Misconceptions

The most frustrating thing I experience in listening to the media talk about polygamy is how they reference the lifestyle according to mainstream society. If a man has more than one wife it has to be for the sex; if women all wear similar looking clothes, the media calls it fashion, (albeit an out-dated fashion.)

I read an article about  the FLDS women’s hairstyles. The article called the hairdo an “Elvis prairie up-do.” I understand that we can only comprehend the unfamiliar against the backdrop of our own familiar lives. But for the women of the FLDS to be compared to a “heathen” like Elvis would be enough to send them all running to their mirrors to make alterations. To them their hairstyle is normal. You are the one with the crazy “up do.”

The very language used to describe the culture highlights the media’s ignorance on the subject. It is not entirely the fault of the media. The media can only report what is known and shown and much of the polygamous culture is still shrouded in secrecy.

Perceptions

I hear people say all the time, “I don’t know how those people can live like that.” It may come as a surprise to some, that the polygamists, looking out of their gated communities and the windows of their homes at the rest of the world, say in complete wonderment, “I don’t know how those people can live like that.” While outsiders often pity members of polygamous groups and consider them “brainwashed,” likewise, many members of polygamous groups pity outsiders and consider them ignorant and duped.

I grew up believing I was superior to outsiders, that I had been blessed with greater intelligence and spiritual capacity. “It’s not for everyone.” I hear this statement from practicing polygamists even today. Meaning the practice of polygamy is not for everyone but the implication is that only an elite few are chosen to practice polygamy. Just like only some people can get into a college like Stanford or Princeton. There are lesser colleges for the masses.

That is not to say all polygamists feel this way but there is an underlying belief of exemption. They believe that their lifestyle is a higher form of living. Intended or not, elitism is built into the structure of polygamist beliefs. Isolation is necessary to maintain this elitist viewpoint. Being different demands that you are either better or worse than others. It is obvious how members of polygamous groups see themselves.

Diversity

There is a common misunderstanding that all polygamists are alike but there is so much diversity that it is hard to pin down a definitive description. Among the wide variety of beliefs among polygamists there is only a single, common thread: the belief in the plurality of wives.

There are many different factions and they all agree on this point: polygamy. But that is where the connection ends. Some groups embrace mainstream society quite readily in their dress, their homes and all the other benefits that it offers, while others find the appearance of the outside world utterly repulsive, shunning TV, radio, politics and current affairs. You will also find everything in between these two extremes.

Some polygamists are open-minded, thoughtful and educated; others are friendly, curious, and deeply spiritual. Yet others still are self-important, opinionated, narrow minded, socially retarded or backwards. But then you will find all these sorts of people everywhere.

To be a peculiar people. . .

So why do the members of polygamous groups feel the need to be “peculiar?” Aside from the notion being part of their religious belief it is human nature to want to be different. And it is human to label others. It helps us to identify ourselves. It provides us with a sense of security. Us vs Them is a symptom of the human condition. It strengthens the bonds of solidarity among members to keep the lines clearly delineated. Many polygamists deal with the discomfort of being stared at, judged, sneered, mocked and deeply misunderstood. Being different/superior both superficially and spiritually helps take the sting out of it. But it often  prevents expansion of the mind and of making meaningful connections with others.

Same kind of different

Focusing on the differences between members of polygamous groups and mainstream society keeps everyone pointing fingers and we end up missing the elemental truth. We are indeed the same.

Can our differences then also be our sameness? We are born in need of an identity and we spend our lives distinguishing ourselves from others; us from them, me from you but that very gap is what makes us the same. We all need the same things, we all feel the same feelings and we would each respond like the other if we walked in their shoes.

Polygamy is misunderstood because it is easier to identify what is different instead of what is the same. I make the claim that it is because of our differences that we are the same. Honoring differences creates unity, harmony and ultimately the connection we all crave. Even for polygamists.