I recently visited some friends who are practicing polygamists and the discussion turned to the worldview and the media representation of polygamy. I mentioned to them that the world is more tolerant of polygamy than perhaps they realized. One woman spoke up. “I get tired of the media targeting polygamy as the source of abuse and other crimes. The source of those crimes is not polygamy but humanity. We are all the same really.” Having been raised in a polygamist household I understood her sentiment perfectly. In fact, one of the objectives I had for writing a memoir about polygamy was to humanize the culture. It is easy to forget that under the facade of any religion, regime, organization etc. remains the human being. The same human frailties and weaknesses exist parallel to the strengths and compassion that is also our human tendencies. The diversity of the world is merely different expressions of the same creature. Looking beyond the differences or through them, are similarities and connection. Behind corporate walls and mass production, are individuals. Beneath the burqa is a woman. Beyond the glamour of the celebrity are the same insecurities as the unrecognized person. As long as there are human beings there will be a mix of kindness and cruelty, abuse and affection as well as depravity and nobility, weakness and greatness. It is individual choice that determines the difference.

As a personal witness to many different families practicing polygamy I have a unique perspective. Some of my dearest friends practice this lifestyle. Some of them are quite successful while others struggle. Humanity is magnified both good and bad and I have witnessed a great deal of pain. It is very difficult for all parties involved, even in the best of circumstances. For anyone who strives to practice plural marriage with any kind of integrity it is challenging at best. In most cases, at least the ones that I have observed, the relationships are superficial and often strained. From a neutral observers stance I can see the common thread of humanity that binds us all. The fears, the insecurities, the pull of familial ties and the ultimate need to love and be loved. It is assumed that jealousies are the most difficult part of sharing husbands but in my opinion that is not the case. The most challenging aspect, at least for the wives, is identity. It is easy to lose individuality, personality and one’s sense of identity while living collectively. It is a loss of identity that the women most mourn. When I look into the faces of women that are newly praciting polygamy, it is the blank and panicked stares that haunt me most. When the women find a new identity and many of them do, there returns a sense of belonging and acceptance. But there are some that never do and they limp along like orphans without a home. It is usually the ones that feel obligated to practice polygamy that have the most trouble adapting. The best situations that I have seen involve women that love each other sincerely and look out for each others needs. In the worst situations I have seen, manipulation is a competitive sport and cruelty, the name of the game. Polygamy is merely a platform, a stage on which extremes of the human condition are played out.

To understand Mormon fundamentalism one must understand collectivism. Although there are certain differences it helps to understand the dynamics of group thinking. Collectivism stresses the importance of human interdependence and the value of the group over the individual. Collectivism values cohesion and cooperation. It requires obedience and trust. On the other hand, it provides a deep sense of security and connection. Members are just that, constituents of a larger whole. There is an unseen benefit though to being in a group. An intangible force often called group-think. There is a singular strength to groups. A group of people is smarter than the smartest individual among them. There is an obvious reason artists gather in groups to gain inspiration. Something magical happens when a group of people come together. Emotions are magnified, thoughts are sharper and a new energy arises from the combination. Like a chemist in a laboratory, individual elements can be radically altered when combined together and the individual elements are lost in the creation of the new. This is one of the powers of Mormon fundamentalism, together the people are stronger, their faith is magnified and their determination is solidified. This is why persecution has a bonding effect. It improves solidarity and reinforces faith in the collective. Mormon fundamentalists are not a group of individuals; they are the group, lending their identities or perhaps sacrificing them in some cases for the benefit of the whole. If one member is attacked, all feel attacked. For example, the arrest of Warren Jeffs was disconcerting to Mormon fundamentalists everywhere, even those who felt he was deserving of punishment. Their strength then, becomes a weakness and the loss of individuality is most keenly felt. The irony then is that one feeble and corrupt individual has the power to bring down the whole.

I have always been especially drawn to the Olympics. But I had to wonder how a bunch of people showing off their skills in sports could have such a profound effect on my emotions, but it always does. As I pondered this curiosity I realized that the Olympics make me feel as though I belong to the world and the world belongs to me. It becomes personal as all boundaries fade away. Growing up isolated the way I did, exacerbated the feelings of disconnect from the rest of the world that is common. I really was different and it wasn’t just part of the angst of childhood. That disconnect cut so deep that I wondered if it could ever be bridged at all. When I published my book I reconnected with the world and the response I received from readers healed my spirit at a very deep level. I think that the Olympics has the same effect as we connect with individuals from all over the world and realize that fundamentally we are all the same. Tears are tears no matter whose eyes they fall from and both laughter and music need no translators. It brings me great comfort and renews my hope in humankind to know that at heart we are all the same.

Here is an interesting tidbit.

The American Heritage Dictionary states the definition of religion as this: “Belief in or reverence for a supernatural power or powers regarded as creator or governor of the universe.” It is fair to say then that religion means a belief in God. Religion is almost never used in this sense but rather the establishment itself. The first amendment states that “Congress shall make no laws respecting the establishment of religion.” Thomas Jefferson in a letter to the Danbury Baptists in 1801, speaks also of the necessary “wall of separation between church and state.” This is not the separation of religion and state but of church and state. To mix church (or the government of religion) with legislative and judicial affairs would be devastating. But to remove God or a belief in a higher being in an attempt to separate church and state, misses the point. There is room in our political system and governmental affairs for a religious dimension. For the human being who believes in God, this belief cannot be separated from his affairs as a public servant but his affiliation with a particular establishment can be and should be. When a belief in God is freed from the fetters of church propaganda it becomes an enhancement to any free society. Why? Because each person then sees him or herself as accountable to a higher being other than man-made governments and thereby establishes a greater measure of personal responsibility. This creates potential for a self-governing people rather than a dependent society that blames an imperfect government for their problems.

Recently, Warren Jeffs and five unnamed members of the FLDS were indicted on charges of sexual abuse. While I approve of the action taken against perpetrators of any kind of abuse I am also aware that this will not open the eyes of the thousands of members of this religious sect. If anything it will reinforce their beliefs. The history of the fundamentalist Mormons is filled with persecution and the jailing of prophets. It is part of their collective identity. There may be a few fringe members who will see things differently in light of these events but the majority will not. I find myself observing these events from afar, withholding judgment until all events surrounding Warren Jeffs and the raid on YFZ Ranch in Texas have transpired. Although, I cannot see how the FLDS will ever be able to return to their covert practices while living in the United States. With the exposure that the raid has generated, such as interviews on Larry King and CNN not to mention YouTube, there cannot be a full return to secrecy. This creates a new conflict between the law and these fundamentalist Mormon groups unlike anything the US governement has dealt with before. The Internet, with its knack for exposing the underbellies of everything we did/didn’t want to know about, keeps the FLDS from being able to slip back into their hiding places. I am curious to see the events unfold, as secrets become violated through the information craze. As crazy as it can be sometimes, it is a beautiful example of the kind of freedom the first amendment promises. Hopefully, that same freedom will reveal the filth and dross within these communities and those who are living decently will be left out of the limelight.

Polygamy has been around since earliest recorded history and was lived in nearly ever culture. What makes it interesting today is the relationship polygamy now shares with religion. In the past, it was always an economic, social or personal choice to live polygamy until early Mormonism. It was included as a tenet of their religion and a prerequisite to salvation until 1890 when the Mormon Church abandoned it in favor of statehood for Utah. Hence the birth of Mormon fundamentalism which developed when practicing polygamists that continued to believe in polygamy as a religious requirement went underground and disappeared from public view. I think that this is one of the problems society faces today in regards to Mormon fundamentalists: How do you separate polygamy from religion? Polygamy on its own is very tolerated in this country but when you add the elements of religion and/or patriarchy things get a little dicey. The US has had its share of religious cults from, the Lebaron brothers to the Branch Davidians to Heavens Gate and several others and they all meet their end similarly, in some act of violence. There is a fear that anything radical or unorthodox always ends in blood and violence. This fear is warranted and seeing pictures of an unstable Warren Jeffs in the newspapers only reinforces it. There are some splinter groups who practice Mormon fundamentalism who do so while remaining somewhat mainstream, in their appearance as well as their contributions. The women are educated, some with Masters degrees or even PhDs while others have high paying jobs as lawyers or businesswomen. They remain unseen because they don’t need to be seen. I don’t see religion being taken out of polygamy any time soon. What must end is the Mormon fundamentalists need for peculiarity and the validation of persecution. If you take the radical out of Mormon fundamentalism they can finally accept their place in society with respect for democracy and we can all begin to live in peace.

Faith and belief were often interchangeable words in my vocabulary. Until recently I had not really taken the time to consider the differences. My discovery about faith and belief was simply this: A belief is an idea or a concept of the mind that one holds to for various reasons while faith on the other hand, is entirely outside the boundaries of the mind. Faith belongs to the heart. Beliefs can be altered and even abandoned when an experience challenges or repudiates them, while faith grows and expands with each experience. Faith is willing to act without the why, while a belief is a why without the accompaniment of action. When I hear someone expound on the validity of their beliefs whether religious or otherwise I wonder if their words are mere props for an idea that is not grounded in experience. To know something through experience is different than simply believing something. I don’t want to sound as though belief has no place but only that it has been given too much emphasis as if believing were the end accomplishment. Faith has come to mean something more to me in recent years as I have broadened my life experience; for life itself requires faith. Faith is a kind of knowing without having evidence or proof; the kind of knowing that comes from personal experience. Belief is the mind stepping toward faith. Faith is a word most often used in a religious context but in truth it has very little to do with religion and much more to do with living. Faith is not something I have, but rather something I practice. It is a profound spiritual tool while belief is the whetstone on which faith is sharpened.

I am a history buff. I love to learn everything I can about anything that has ever happened anywhere in the world during any time period. This is not a hobby but part of my intellectual and spiritual enrichment. Therefore, I am appalled at the lack of historical knowledge, and even more so, the lack of understanding of that knowledge, that is prevalent in today’s society. Why is it important to me? I ask myself this question and I pose it to you. Why is history important? The short answer is this: History inspires me. It makes me want to be more than I am and examine myself more deeply. It connects me to my fellow human beings in a more meaningful way. It forms new questions about life in my mind and answers other questions that have tantalized me for some time. More importantly history demands that each one of us become responsible for our actions and that even the common man matters. History is the thread that links us all together both with those who have gone on before and those yet to come. So, brush up on your history and be inspired.

The most frustrating thing I experience in listening to the media talk about polygamy is how they reference the lifestyle according to mainstream society. If a man has more than one wife it has to be for the sex, if women all wear similar looking clothes they see it as a fashion, albeit an out-dated fashion. I read one article recently that called the FLDS women’s hairstyles Elvis prairie up-do. I understand that we can only comprehend the unfamiliar against the backdrop of our own familiar lives. But for the women of the FLDS to be compared to a heathen like Elvis is enough to send them all running to their mirrors to make alterations.

I hear people say all the time, “I don’t know how those people can live like that.” It may come as a surprise to some, that the polygamists, looking out of their gated communities and the windows of their homes at the rest of the world, say in complete wonderment, “I don’t know how those people can live like that.” While society considers polygamy a cult, polygamists consider much of society in the same light. The only difference between the two is polygamists do not have the curiosity about the rest of the world and that may only be due to the disparity in population. There is boldness in numbers. What the polygamists lack in numbers they make up for in importance. The only thing that can combat the inequality is a belief that they are the chosen, the few elect in a vast sea of ordinary. I heard it stated once from a member of one of the polygamous groups when asked about the necessity of all the other billions of human beings on the planet that their purpose for being here was to perform as stage props, implying but not outright stating, that they were the stars of the show.

That is not to say all polygamists feel this way. I would venture to say that there are only small handfuls that think of themselves to that extreme but there is an underlying belief of exemption because they believe that their lifestyle is a higher form of living. Intended or not there is a sense of elitism for it seems to be built into the structure of polygamist beliefs.  Isolation is necessary to maintain an elitist viewpoint. Being different demands that you are either better or worse than others, with being better than others the preferred option.

There is a common misunderstanding that all polygamists are alike but there are so many different viewpoints that it is hard to pin down anything definitive. Among the wide variety of beliefs among polygamists there is only a single, common thread-the belief in the plurality of wives. There are many different factions and they all agree on this point, polygamy. But that is where the connection ends. Some embrace mainstream society quite readily in their dress, their homes and all the other benefits that it offers, while others find the appearance of the outside world utterly repelling, shunning TV, radio, politics and current affairs. You will also find everything in between these two extremes. Some polygamists are open-minded, thoughtful and educated; others are friendly, curious, and deeply spiritual. Yet others are self-important, opinionated, narrow minded, socially retarded or backwards. But then you will find all these sorts of people everywhere.

So why are the labels necessary? I think as human beings we label others to help us identify ourselves. It provides us with a sense of security, like a turtle that pulls itself into a shell for safety and protection, the label serves such a purpose. But the label is damaging as well, as it prevents expansion of the mind and of making meaningful connections with others.

The polygamists hold the gap between themselves and everyone else including the other polygamous factions, because being different shrinks the world to a manageable size. It takes a very broad minded person to be all inclusive. We all need to distinguish ourselves from others, being different allow us to see ourselves more clearly. But the differences often become an impassable gap that grows wider as we grow narrower.

Can our differences then also be our sameness? We are born in need of an identity and we spend our lives distinguishing ourselves from others; us from them, me from you but that very gap is what makes us the same. We all need the same things, we all feel the same feelings and we would each respond like the other if we walked in their shoes. Polygamy is misunderstood because it is easier to identify what is different instead of what is the same. I make the claim that it is because of our differences that we are the same. Honoring differences creates unity, harmony and ultimately the connection we all crave. Even polygamists.