I recently visited some friends who are practicing polygamists and the discussion turned to the worldview and the media representation of polygamy. I mentioned to them that the world is more tolerant of polygamy than perhaps they realized. One woman spoke up. “I get tired of the media targeting polygamy as the source of abuse and other crimes. The source of those crimes is not polygamy but humanity. We are all the same really.” Having been raised in a polygamist household I understood her sentiment perfectly. In fact, one of the objectives I had for writing a memoir about polygamy was to humanize the culture. It is easy to forget that under the facade of any religion, regime, organization etc. remains the human being. The same human frailties and weaknesses exist parallel to the strengths and compassion that is also our human tendencies. The diversity of the world is merely different expressions of the same creature. Looking beyond the differences or through them, are similarities and connection. Behind corporate walls and mass production, are individuals. Beneath the burqa is a woman. Beyond the glamour of the celebrity are the same insecurities as the unrecognized person. As long as there are human beings there will be a mix of kindness and cruelty, abuse and affection as well as depravity and nobility, weakness and greatness. It is individual choice that determines the difference.

As a personal witness to many different families practicing polygamy I have a unique perspective. Some of my dearest friends practice this lifestyle. Some of them are quite successful while others struggle. Humanity is magnified both good and bad and I have witnessed a great deal of pain. It is very difficult for all parties involved, even in the best of circumstances. For anyone who strives to practice plural marriage with any kind of integrity it is challenging at best. In most cases, at least the ones that I have observed, the relationships are superficial and often strained. From a neutral observers stance I can see the common thread of humanity that binds us all. The fears, the insecurities, the pull of familial ties and the ultimate need to love and be loved. It is assumed that jealousies are the most difficult part of sharing husbands but in my opinion that is not the case. The most challenging aspect, at least for the wives, is identity. It is easy to lose individuality, personality and one’s sense of identity while living collectively. It is a loss of identity that the women most mourn. When I look into the faces of women that are newly praciting polygamy, it is the blank and panicked stares that haunt me most. When the women find a new identity and many of them do, there returns a sense of belonging and acceptance. But there are some that never do and they limp along like orphans without a home. It is usually the ones that feel obligated to practice polygamy that have the most trouble adapting. The best situations that I have seen involve women that love each other sincerely and look out for each others needs. In the worst situations I have seen, manipulation is a competitive sport and cruelty, the name of the game. Polygamy is merely a platform, a stage on which extremes of the human condition are played out.