Introduction

The hero is one of the most enduring and prevalent archetypes in our society. It has been around for a long time and seems destined to be around for a long time to come. Some of our earliest images and motifs of the hero comes from Greek and Roman mythology. Characters like Jason and the Argonauts and Hercules are prominent features of our psychic landscape that provide us with a clear symbol of the archetypal pattern of the hero and a symbolic map of our own journey. The hero is inexorably connected to the quest or journey that all heroes must undertake. Our modern mythologies of the hero are currently expressed in comic books and superhero films such as Superman, Batman and other similar superhero characters. It cannot be ignored that many if not all the mythological hero figures are male. But a rash of female heroes have emerged in modern society including Wonder Woman and Elektra. But the female heroines have been modeled after their male counterparts in many cases. Rather than highlighting the feminine powers the female heroes are relegated to copy cat versions of male heroes. With such a lack of clearly defined hero archetypes for the female many women have also tried to reproduce the characteristics of the male hero rather than discovering the unique powers of the female hero.

The Female Hero

If you are a woman and you feel that you have the Hero archetype you may have struggled with getting in touch with your femininity. Concepts such as beauty, tenderness, and vulnerability  may seem like weaknesses or you cannot identify with them. You find it easier to relate to men than other women, especially women who are highly feminine. But simply copy cat versions of male heroism are not satisfactory to the female hero. Many female superheroes portray physical prowess and cool detachment. But neither of these qualities are feminine. While women have proven their skills in fields most reserved for men such as the military, police force, and firefighting physical strength is not a woman’s greatest strength. She has proven her intelligence in succeeding as CEOs and business owners around the world as well as her political savvy and her ability to govern others as roles in the world governments are filling up with more and more women all the time. She has nothing left to prove but to highlight her inherent strengths which have largely been ignored and left languishing under the foot of the feminist movement. Don’t misunderstand me, I consider myself a feminist in the tradition of the Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton types. I support the freedom for women to explore the totality of their abilities and to break free from the constraints of stereotypes and traditional roles.  But what we have instead is a stereotype of the tough female that can go toe to toe with any man and who is also highly sexual. This stereotype is unrealistic and denies women their innate strengths. In order to find center one must first swing far to the left and the right. The feminist movement has been swinging for some time now. I have noticed a change though; a shift in perceptions of the power of woman. This change is reflected in books such as The Da Vinci Code and a huge resurgence in Goddesses and Divine feminine associations. There are even a few books with female characters beginning to reflect a different kind of  female hero. The Hunger Games is one of these books. The main character Katniss is not some tomboy wannabe but is a skilled hunter who developed her abilities out of necessity for feeding her family. She exhibits fears, and yet shows courage. She is compassionate and many of her difficult decisions are chosen through a distinct female perception. She is not made into a sexual object that wears skimpy clothes and still has the fighting abilities of a karate master. She is placed in difficult even impossible situations and she is not overcome but them but continues to show her vulnerable sensibilities. She is not unnecessarily violent but highlights her accuracy and skills as a hunter. This character is a good beginning for development of an emergent version of the hero archetype. The female hero.

The Hero in All of Us

There is something universal about the hero archetype. We all have an inner hero and we are all on a journey through life that in many ways parallels the journey of the hero. I believe that this is why the hero factors into so many of our movies, music and books. But for some, the archetype holds a special significance. Perhaps you can relate to the hero in a more personal way than others. This could mean that you can call the Hero archetype one of your personal archetypes.

Joseph Campbell and the Hero’s Journey

I would be remiss to write an article about the hero archetype and not mention the work of Joseph Campbell. His seminal book The Hero with a Thousand Faces Campbell provides us with a map of the hero’s journey in seventeen steps. All hero stories seem to follow this pattern as well as real life heroes. It may be interesting or helpful to look at this pattern in your own life. You are, after all, the hero of your own story.

The Seventeen Steps of the Hero’s Journey

Departure

1. The Call to Adventure
   The call to adventure signals a change in the persons life.
2. Refusal of the Call
   Often when the call is given, the future hero refuses to respond to it.  There are many different reasons for the refusal including fear, inadequacy or feeling that there are prior obligations that prevent the person from heeding the call.
3. Supernatural Aid
   Eventually, the hero begins the journey. Once the hero has committed to the quest, consciously or unconsciously, his or her guide or supernatural helper appears or becomes known.
4. The Crossing of the First Threshold
   This is the point where the person actually crosses into the unknown, which is a dangerous realm where the person is entirely unfamiliar.
5. The Belly of the Whale
   The belly of the whale is sometimes referred to as the person’s lowest point or the most fearful, darkest hour. It represents though, the transitioning between the old self and the new self. By entering this stage, the person shows their willingness to undergo a metamorphosis, to die to him or herself.

 Initiation

6. The Road of Trials
   After the dark transition period begins the road of trials. This is a series of tests, tasks, or ordeals that the person must undergo to begin the transformation. The person frequently fails one or more of these tests, which often occur in sets of three.
7. The Meeting with the Goddess
   The meeting with the goddess represents the sacred marriage or the union of opposites. This may take place within the person and the person begins to see him or herself in a non-dualistic way. Meeting the Goddess also means finding the person that the hero loves completely and unconditionally. The Goddess symbolizes unconditional love and self-unification.
8. Woman as the Temptress
   This step is about those temptations that may lead the hero to abandon or stray from his or her quest. It does not necessarily have to be represented by a woman but woman is a metaphor for the physical or material temptations of life, since the hero-knight was often tempted by lust from his spiritual journey.
9. Atonement with the Father
   In this step the person must confront whatever holds the ultimate power in his or her life. The father figure who, in many myths has life and death power represents this. This is the center point of the journey. Everything previous has led up to it and everything that will come flows out of it. For the transformation to take place the hero must be “killed” by the father figure or thing that has the most power over their life. This allows for rebirth.
10. Apotheosis
    Apotheosis means to be elevated to divine status.  This is the period of peace that follows the transformation and death processes.
11. The Ultimate Boon
    The ultimate boon is the achievement of the goal of the quest.  All the previous steps serve to prepare and purify the person for this step, since in many myths the ultimate boon is something transcendent like the elixir of life, or the golden fleece of immortality, or the Holy Grail.

Return

12. Refusal of the Return
    The hero does not want to leave the apparent bliss of their apotheosis and resists the call to return. Returning can sometimes feel like “going backwards” to the hero.
13. The Magic Flight
    Sometimes the hero must escape with the boon, if it is something that the gods have been jealously guarding. The return journey can be just as precarious and adventurous as the call to the quest.
14. Rescue from Without
    Just as the hero may need guides and helpers in the beginning, he or she must have powerful guides and rescuers to bring them back to everyday life, especially if the person has been wounded or weakened by the experience. Or perhaps the person doesn’t realize that it is time to return, that they can return, or that others need their boon.
15. The Crossing of the Return Threshold
    The trick in returning is to retain the wisdom gained on the quest, to integrate that wisdom into a human life, and then maybe figure out how to share the wisdom with the rest of the world. This is usually extremely difficult.
16. Master of the Two Worlds
    For the hero, this may mean achieving a balance between the material and spiritual worlds, to become master of the inner and the outer. As Jesus put it, “to be in the world but not of the world.”
17. Freedom to Live
    Mastery leads to freedom from the fear of death, which in turn is the freedom to live. This is sometimes referred to as living in the moment, neither anticipating the future nor regretting the past.

If you have the Hero archetype you may feel a personal connection to the hero’s journey and the experiences required to pass the tests it entails. Below are seventeen things I have observed about the hero archetype from books, movies and ordinary folks who seem to possess the spirited energies of the Hero archetype.

Seventeen Things Have I Learned About the Hero Archetype

1. Strength is a key feature of the hero. Others perceive them as strong and they sense within themselves an irrefutable power. This strength is similar to the comic book hero’s super power. The hero must learn to harness this power or go down with it as it will drive their life.
2. The hero is driven to fulfill the quest that is their life mission. Heroes tend to have a clear sense of direction and are good decision makers because they have an intuition about their personal journey. I call this inner knowing the compass. The hero has a strong compass for guiding their life.
3. The hero’s journey is a personal one. Somehow along the way, the hero ends up helping others and being a source of inspiration to others. When the hero tries to be inspirational or heroic he or she falls off the true path of personal empowerment and is not inspiring or helpful.
4. Heroes can be distant, aloof and hard to penetrate emotionally. They tend to be guarded and self protective. Being vulnerable is a real challenge to the hero.
5. Heroes have a drive to excel in whatever they do. They will not attempt something that they think they cannot be superb at. They want to be the best of the best. This makes many heroes perfectionists or single focused on the highest level of success.
6. Heroes are particularly sensitive to injustices, cruelty to the weak or helpless and corruption and often feel that at least some aspect of the quest involves righting wrongs.
7. Heroes usually love superhero movies and comic books or shows that follow the classic hero’s journey such as The Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter or Star Wars. This is not always the case but the archetype is driven by the quest and these books and films illustrate the rise of the hero into his own personal power and a confrontation with a nemesis.
8. Heroes thrive on challenges and obstacles. They enjoy overcoming difficulties and would not want to pursue something that came too easily. As such, they are not easily discouraged and are highly determined types. The more difficult the path the more intriguing it is to the hero.
9. Heroes can be single minded about their path overlooking the role others play in their lives. While they can be selfish at times the hero is often so focused on their path that they can overlook the support system that usually surrounds them. Learning humility and recognizing others is part of the great learning for the hero.
10. Heroes are willing to delve into the dark side of things as it is part of the hero’s journey. This is a necessary part of the hero. All heroes must face the darkness alone. The hero knows that the line between hero and villain is a narrow one and the only way to maintain the virtues of the hero is to keep a sharp eye on the dark side, lest they fall prey to it in their attempts to succeed or gain power.
11. Heroes will always push themselves to constant improvement and are not satisfied with mediocrity. They strive for the highest and the best especially if it appears unattainable.
12. Heroes will defend others and feel a protectiveness toward those who cannot protect themselves.
13. Heroes know that they are born with a special gift or tool. It may take many years before they hero becomes aware of this gift or tool but they have an subconscious knowing of this gift and have always sensed it was there.
14. Heroes are willing to do things alone if necessary. Being alone or doing things on ones one is part of the pattern of the archetype of the hero. If the hero has too much help the accomplishment is greatly diminished. They thrive on the sense of power and success they feel when they do things alone or against incredible odds.
15. Heroes often love fantasy because the books or stories tend to focus on the heroes journey.
16. Stubbornness or determination, (call it what you will) the hero has ample amounts of it.
17. The hero often shows an in interest in death and rebirth (the symbol of the phoenix for example) or has experienced the death of a loved one at a vulnerable age. Death either plays personal role in the hero’s life or there is an appreciation for the relationship between life and death.

Shadow Hero

Aspects of the Shadow Hero

Just as a reminder, it is important to remember that the shadow behavior in any archetype is unconscious. This means we aren’t aware of the motives that are driving our behaviors. When we do become conscious of our motives and behavior it can come as a shock and surprise, not to mention a wee bit embarrassing. But as it is said, “awareness is the key to change.” Take a good honest look at what may be lurking in the shadows of your own psyche.

Self-Centered

The Shadow Hero is a difficult person to live with as they are not relationship-focused. They can be very selfish and indifferent. The drive hidden within the archetype of the hero must be channeled into expression or purpose otherwise the person will be consumed by the Shadow Hero. They are self focused and in their drive to fulfill their life purpose they cannot see  that they are supported and aided by others continually. They are however, aware that others are watching them and the Shadow Hero needs to prove their abilities and highlight their successes to others. They secretly want others to look up to them and admire them.The Shadow Hero lacks both humility and self awareness.

Ignoring the Call

The Shadow Hero hears the call of the personal quest but resists this call for a variety of reasons. But this refusal to respond can result in depression, unreasonable burst of anger and/or escapism through addictions or avoidance behaviors.  Sometimes the Shadow Hero ignores the call of the journey to their OWN self empowerment by trying to fix others who appear weak and in need of direction. They might feel compelled to push others onto the journey that they themselves refuse to take.

Escapism and Fantasy

The Hero enjoys stories of great accomplishments and wild successes based on persistence and exceptional skill. The Shadow Hero can get lost in the fiction, providing them with the feeling that they have actually performed feats of wonder themselves-a sort of pseudo-accomplishment. This pretend success gives the Shadow Hero a false sense of their own abilities and a well as their own limitations. They live out their struggle through the safety of books or movies. They may also find that imagining that they are doing things is adequate for providing them with a feeling of success rather than results. This type of escapism is a way for the Shadow Hero to avoid the challenges they would rather not face. If the Shadow Hero is in the grip of depression they may use escapism to distract themselves from the torment of the inner conflict of needing to fulfill a personal quest and finding ever more creative ways to avoid it.

Superiority

The Shadow Hero has a superiority complex. The can be overly competitive at any challenge or they may feign indifference if they think that they are not up to the task. If they cannot mop the floor with their opponents they would rather not show up at all. The fear of failure, appearing weak and public humiliation are negative forces that drive the behavior of the Shadow Hero.  The Shadow Hero will go to great lengths to prevent others from seeing their weaknesses. While they might be comfortable talking about a failure after the fact, they will rarely share much about it while they are in the midst of their struggle. Their deep fears of vulnerability make them overly confident or they may project false confidence to hide their feelings.  They are good at projecting invincibility and authority and can be a first rate Know-it-all.

Alone at the Top

“It’s lonely at the top” is a fitting phrase for the Shadow Hero. In the quest to achieve all that they desire the often step on others to get there. They might reach the height of accomplishment but they often find themselves all alone. The Shadow Hero also unknowingly promotes this by wanting others to see them as impermeable and unruffled by problems and fears. The Shadow Hero suffers alone, fears alone, struggles alone and believes that he or she is meant to do it all, and do it alone. Having help diminishes the quality and value of their success. They push others away from them and in its darker mode, the Shadow Hero will make others feel diminished and dis-empowered as a way to feel more powerful themselves. By highlighting others weaknesses the Shadow Hero reinforces their own sense of importance.

Violence

The Shadow Hero is sometimes attracted to violence as a means of accomplishing their goals. Most superheroes are excellent fighters and all of them have skills that far surpass the ordinary person. The Shadow Hero can resort to violence believing that they are accomplishing a greater good by stopping a perceived threat to society or to remove an obstacle. Not everyone who has this archetype will resort to violence or even consider violence as an option but I felt it was necessary to bring it up. The extreme version of the Shadow Hero can be seen in kamikaze fighters and suicide bombers for example. This is where heroes are transformed into villains. In the movie Star Wars Darth Vader turns to violence and force to accomplish his goals and it ultimately drew him to the dark side. (Shadow side) It is important for those who have the Hero archetype not to overlook the temptation of force or violence as an attractive option.

The Enlightened Hero

Determination

One of the easiest ways to spot the Hero archetype is to notice how determined a person is. The Enlightened Hero is a fortress of determination. Giving up is not even an option. Persistence is one of their greatest assets. It is almost as if the Hero CANNOT give up even if they wanted to so strong is the need to continue on to the end and fulfillment. The Enlightened Hero can be seen as mountain climber. The steeper the climb the more vigor and interest the Enlightened Hero has for the task. They must reach to top of the mountain, anything short of that is the same as having never started. So failure is not possible. The Enlightened Hero enjoys being challenged. An obstacle is no more than a puzzle to be worked out and they can become single minded about solving it or overcoming it. They know that challenges help them grow and develop endurance and so they embrace them as training exercises. They have total confidence in their ability to overcome anything and everything.

The Inner Journey

The Enlightened Hero is aware that the quest is an inner one. They respond to the call of the quest by being willing to take risks and to fall down. The Enlightened Hero knows all the answers to this journey are inside. They have an ability for introspection that is unique to this archetype. They live in the inner world much more than the outer although they seem to have a knack for bridging the two worlds together. The real journey is the inside one and the Enlightened Hero knows that the outer world is a mirror for the inner world. This is one reason the Hero enjoys fantasy and myths because they both originate from the inner world. Part of their path is to bring the wisdom gained from their inner journey to others.

Humility: The Painful Lesson

Humility is a long and rough road for the Hero but the Enlightened Hero recognizes it as a guidepost. Humility will keep the Hero on the path and not allow temptations and other distractions pull him or her off of the path. It is through humility that the Enlightened Hero gains access to the inherent wisdom that is connected to the archetype. Without humility the Hero is an arrogant, know-it-all, show off. While their intentions may be to help or serve others the deeper ulterior motive drives them in the opposite direction. The Hero will often encounter a humiliating experience or a devastating failure to help him or her return to the right path. Because they are re-bounders, this humiliation serves as a warning or motivator, reminding the person of  the need for humility.  Humility is a central feature of the Enlightened Hero and is seen as a great strength.

Empowering Others

A key lesson in the life of the Hero is that of empowering others. The Enlightened Hero is able to see the strength and gifts of others and help to draw them out. They bring out the best in their colleagues, co-workers, children, spouses and even complete strangers. The Enlightened Hero recognizes that true power comes from empowering others. The Hero may find the act of empowering others quite difficult. It is common for the Hero to have others admire and look up to them. This admiration can become a snare for the Hero. The Enlightened Hero has learned to recognize the shadow and its need to be important and resist this temptation. The Enlightened Hero sees that their own empowerment is connected to the empowerment of others. Therefore the Enlightened Hero does not accept others’ worship but consistently returns their admiration back to themselves. They know that by taking on the praise of others they lose the source of their own power. To use a superhero metaphor, praise is the Hero’s kryptonite. By empowering others, the Enlightened Hero maintains his or her own true power. They know how to put others first in a way that is beneficial to everyone.

Vulnerability

Being vulnerable is a fear of the Hero but the Enlightened Hero uses vulnerability as a strength. The Enlightened Hero becomes vulnerable through honesty, openness and a willingness to take the necessary risks required to live fully in the present. Being vulnerable also means being flexible and open to change. This vulnerability gives the Enlightened Hero the tools for bringing the wisdom of their experiences to the world and the people in their lives.

Resp0nsibility

The Enlightened Hero knows that others look to them. They tend to be leaders and role models. The Enlightened Hero takes responsibility and does not blame others or become victimized by situations that don’t turn out the way they had envisioned. The have a knack for seeing the big picture and this helps them take ownership for their own lives. They don’t take their role in the limelight lightly and respect it by living a life of integrity.

Conclusion

The Hero archetype is endlessly fascinating and can be see everywhere. Be sure to notice it the next time you read a great novel or watch the latest hero movie. Hopefully, this can give you a window into your own situation and help you on your path toward accomplishing whatever you feel compelled to do in your own life.

Feeling Like a Victim?

Introduction

Feeling like a victim is something all of us can relate to at least during some point in our lives. Feeling victimized is a sign that we have disconnected ourselves from our own power. This almost always leads to blaming others or shaming yourself.

The victim is a powerful storyteller. Don’t be fooled by its stories of helplessness and self pity. Don’t fall for its finger pointing and self indignation. You have the power. Freedom is a result of recognizing that you have the power within, to have, do and be exactly what you want. Acceptance is the key to this freedom.

The opposite of the victim is the victor—the winner! Hidden in the feelings of victimization are the keys to success and overcoming obstacles. The victim can show us how to be free and find creative solutions to the most troubling of our problems. But we must first recognize the victim when it is hiding. Once revealed and recognized we can use the inherent wisdom in the victim to create victory.

Signs of the Victim

Many times we are unaware when our frustration or anger is actually trying to communicate to us that we are feeling victimized. We can go days feeling sorry for ourselves, suffering silently or being irritated and angry and still be unaware that we are feeling like victims. Whenever you are not feeling at peace with your life and in charge of your own circumstances you will most likely find the victim lurking in the shadows somewhere.

Here are a few ways to spot the victim:

• Feeling thwarted or prevented from doing, saying, or otherwise expressing something.
• Having thoughts of blame toward others or the person you feel is responsible for your inability to have or do what you want.
• Feeling shamed about yourself and berating yourself for it.
• Feeling stuck and unable to progress or move in a direction
• Confusion is sometimes (but not always) a sign that not only are we feeling like a victim but we are not aware of it.
• Anger can be a good alert that we are feeling victimized or feeling powerless. (Anger is a sign of a breach of personal boundaries.)
• Frustration almost always comes from a place of helplessness of victimization.
• Self pity is one of the more obvious ways to identify victimization.

Example: Several years ago I developed seasonal allergies. I had previously not experienced allergies or anything like it. Each spring was dreaded and filled with watery eyes, itchy throat and sneezes louder than freight trains. I found myself frustrated, angry at life, feeling sorry for myself and utterly helpless to change it. I was looking for someone or something to blame for this new experience. I was mad at the trees, the weeds and the flowers. I felt that the wind was personally attacking me by stirring up so much pollen. I had tried medications but they made me drowsy or feel odd. One day, feeling particularly pathetic, I had a breakthrough moment. Up until that moment, I had no idea I was feeling like a victim and yet I was saturated in victim feelings. I realized that all my suffering with the allergies was not caused by the allergies but the victimization. Feeling like a victim is miserable! I decided to accept each aspect of the allergies as normal as if the whole human race had runny noses and itchy irritated eyes. If I couldn’t be upset and resisting it maybe it wasn’t so bad after all. I immediately felt better. I noticed I began an internet search of non-drowsy allergy medicines. (The victim wants to suffer to reinforce the validity of the sufferer.) I closed the windows and accepted the pollen as if it were snow falling and I close up my house to keep the snow out. I felt empowered again. It may have been imaginary but my allergies seemed to improve after this. I eventually found a good medicine that worked well but I only took it when the symptoms were severe. I wanted to be able to practice accepting the symptoms. Each spring I became more accepting of the pollen in the air, loving it for being part of nature and looking forward to the beauty of spring. I stopped needing allergy medicine a few years ago as the symptoms were too mild. Eventually, what was once the source of suffering and frustration is gone. Spring comes and goes and I forget that I used to have allergies. Maybe they are still there but I have accepted them to the point that they no longer register. Whatever happened I am no longer a victim to seasonal allergies and I recognized the power of the mind.

Help for the Victim

The first step in working with feelings of victimization is knowing that your are feeling victimized. This may seem obvious but most of us get caught in the blame or shame game and don’t step back and observe how we are truly feeling. Here are some questions to ask yourself to help loosen the grip of victimization. Answer the questions according to the order of the list. If the answer to the first question is yes, you can challenge yourself by moving on to the next question, if the answer to that is yes, move on to the next one and so on. Once you reach number 6 you will be open and ready to answer the questions for yourself.

1. Am I feeling like a victim?
2. Is there someone or something I am blaming for my circumstances?
3. Am I willing to take full responsibility for how I am feeling right now?
4. Am I willing to let go of my need to suffer as proof of something?
5. Am I willing to accept this situation exactly as it is and not wish for it to be different? (This is how we get stuck, wishing things were different than they are.)
6. What is it that I want or need that I feel I cannot provide for myself?
7. How can I provide what I want or need for myself? (There is always a creative solution to all problems. Just because you haven’t thought of the solution doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.)
8. Where is my power in this situation? (Don’t focus on what you cannot do but on what you can do.)

Make a list if necessary of all the possible ways that YOU can fulfill your own needs and desires. I highly recommend reading Byron Katie’s book Loving What Is and doing her worksheets as an added support.

Conclusion

Working with the victim can be fun. Once you accept that you are feeling like a victim and are willing to do some inner work to reclaim your personal power the rest can be not only liberating but revealing too. The times I have realized that I was feeling like a victim have actually caused me to laugh out loud! I have learned how simple it is to take the energies of the victim to transform my resistance into acceptance. Here is one more example of something that happened to me that illustrates this perfectly.

A few years ago my sister threw me a birthday party. The party was going well and everyone was lighthearted and having a good time. Some time later another sister showed up and she had a heaviness and sadness that she brought with her. Before the evening was over she was crying and I was feeling frustrated with her unwillingness to look at herself. After she left and I was walking home alone in the dark I began to notice my thoughts. “She is such a victim. I can’t believe how she can’t see how she acts like a victim” and other such statements were on a mental carousel in my mind. I was hardly aware that I was having these thoughts but I looked up at the stars and said, “If I can see the victim in her it is only because the victim is in me. How am I acting like a victim?” It was at this point that the revelation came. I was blaming her for ruining my birthday party, I was blaming her for me not having a good time, I was blaming her for how I was feeling! I busted out laughing. I was the victim! By the time I got home all feelings of blame or irritation at my sister were dissipated and I was smiling at myself. It was easy and the situation that could have resulted in bad feelings for a long time was resolved in minutes. And I have been a lot more aware of when I am blaming another.

Working with the victim can be very rewarding and life changing. Try it, you may end up laughing at yourself too.

Here are two articles that I wrote that may also be helpful.

Understanding the Victim Archetype

Creating and Maintaining Healthy Boundaries

This book is about black maids working for wealthy white women of Mississippi in the 1960′s during the tumultuous period of the Civil Rights Movement. The story focuses on two maids and one young white girl who means to find out the truth about what happened to her own family’s maid.

The book uses these three characters as narrators allowing readers to see into the minds of a white girl from the South who is still a little naive about what is going on around her but who means well, and the heartache and rage of mistreated black maids and how they perceived their  white employers.

Aibileen is the first maid we meet in the story. She works for Mrs. Elizabeth Leefolt and cares for her daughter Mae Mobley. Mae Mobley is abused and neglected by her mother and Aibileen does all she can to comfort and love the child in spite of the way she is being raised. Aibileen is treated like a second-class human being. She has her own painful losses and in some ways her pain makes her more submissive and fearful. She also feels responsible for Mae and her other friends working as maids. Aibileen tries hard to just do the best she can and not upset the cart too much.

Minny is the second maid and is friends with Aibileen. She is a fiery woman and fine cook but she goes too far one day and is fired from her job. She has a bunch of kids and needs to work to feed them so she takes a job at the home of Mrs .Celia Foote. Celia wants to impress her new husband and convinces Minny to teach her to cook. Minny is thrilled with the job but Celia is keeping the fact of Minny working for her a secret from her husband. The relationship between Celia and Minny is one of the most touching in the book. Celia is a naive blonde woman who doesn’t understand the rules of how to treat black maids and so she reaches out to Minny. Minny is very armored and doesn’t want to get too close to Celia but she can tell that there is something wrong with Celia and is eventually drawn into the drama of her life.

Skeeter recently returns to Mississippi after being away at college. She returns home to find the family maid, her dear friend Constantine, who raised her like her own daughter, is gone and no one will talk about where she is. Skeeter is determined to find out and visits Aibileen to learn more about what happened to Constantine. But she cannot discover the truth from anyone. Her mother acts like Constantine never existed and Skeeter is frustrated with her mother. Skeeter gets a job at a newspaper writing a column about housework. Skeeter doesn’t know anything about the topic but needs the job. She seeks out Aibileen to help her with the column. Skeeter talks to Aibileen and decides to compile stories written by the black maids of Jackson Mississippi beginning with Aibileen. This is a dangerous plan and Aibileen wants nothing to do with it at first but she is finally convinced. Aibileen turns out to be a very good writer and Skeeter contacts an editor to see about publishing a book of the stories she collects. Meanwhile she continues on her quest to uncover the disappearance of Constantine. There is a bit of romance in the background of the story as Skeeter tries to connect with a young man who is interested in her.

The book is effective in illustrating the different mind-sets toward racism during the sixties. Skeeter seems quite open minded and it may be a result of her relationship with Constantine. The women who hire and fire the maids are ignorant, insensitive and often cruel. It seems that the author wanted to show many different kinds of stories about what it was like in the South during this time period. We feel the pain of being unwanted, unseen and abused. The relationship between Mae Mobley and Aibileen is a way for the reader to imagine what the relationship between Skeeter and Constantine might have been. This gives emotional weight to Skeeter’s search for Constantine.

I give the book, The Help four stars. It was emotional, funny and touched me on a personal level.

The Origins of The Great War

Introduction

World War I marks the first major conflict of the twentieth century and the beginning of a century punctuated by revolutions, totalitarianism, mass mobilization and bloodshed on an unprecedented scale. The causes that led to the First World War and much of the following conflicts are varied and complex. The European countries had created a balance of power between the major economic and imperial powers. This balance of power was designed to avoid another European war but meanwhile each of the countries were building their military and expanding their empires and even planning for war.

Franco-Prussian War

For centuries there had never been a unified country of German speaking people. Prussia was the largest and most powerful province in a group of provinces ruled by the German emperor Wilhelm I. Wilhelm and his prime minister Otto Von Bismarck wanted to unify the German provinces and kingdoms into a single powerful country. During the middle of the nineteenth century they provoked a series of small conflicts with Denmark and Austria-Hungary to weaken their influence over the northern and southern provinces of Germany. The Prussian military was disciplined and powerful and they succeeded in creating the North German Confederation. In 1870 the Confederation entered a war against France known as the Franco Prussian war. The Prussian army managed to capture Napoleon III and Paris forcing the French to sign the Treaty of Frankfurt. The treaty forced France to give up Alsace and Lorraine; two German speaking French provinces. The Franco-Prussian war ended in 1871, the same year that the German Empire was created. The unification of German provinces was problematic and threatening especially to France. Germany was now large enough to mobilize against any European country. But Germany had plenty of internal issues due to unification and Bismarck made every effort to create peaceful relations with the other major European powers. In 1888 Wilhelm I died and his son Wilhelm II succeeded him to the throne. Kaiser Wilhelm II was rash and lacked diplomatic skills and in 1890 he dismissed Bismarck and began a reckless attempt to plant the German flag in Africa.

(The name Prussia comes from a Latin word loosely translated to mean “near Russia.”)

Scramble for Africa

Another important event that helped created tensions and strife among European countries was the “Scramble for Africa” in 1881. Expanding empires became competitive between the European countries during what was referred to as “New Imperialism.” Africa was carved up between Great Britain, France, Belgium, Germany, Italy, Spain and Portugal with only a few independent African states. During this period of competition many European countries were creating alliances. France and Russia formed an alliance in 1892. The new German Empire formed an alliance with Austria-Hungary and Italy. England had an alliance with both France and Russia creating what was called the Triple Entente. The expansion and access to new resources in Africa added to the existing tensions in Europe.

The Balkans

The Balkan Peninsula is comprised of a group of small countries located near the Mediterranean Sea with direct access to the Orient. Included in this group are Bulgaria, Serbia, Bosnia, Albania, Croatia, Kosovo, Slovenia and Montenegro. The Balkans were controlled by the Turks that border the Balkans in the south with Austria-Hungary in the north and Russia in the east fighting against the Turks to gain control over the Balkans themselves. While Russia and Austria-Hungary fought a common enemy they both coveted the Balkan region for themselves. Russia was hopeful to gain alliances with the peoples of the Balkans who were mainly Slavs, blood kindred to the Russians, and the population could easily be made into loyal subjects of the Tsar.

Serbia wanted to unite all the Balkan countries under one rule and secure a place in greater Europe as a major player in world events. If the Balkans were united they had the power and military might to overthrow the Turks. Alliances were formed and soon Serbia had gained its independence from the Turks and supported Bosnia-Herzegovina to fight the Turks as well. The two principalities might have succeeded but Austria-Hungary had interfered and occupied Bosnia-Herzegovina and Albania to prevent Serbia from access to the sea. Millions of Serbs were now part of the Austro-Hungarian Empire further denying a unified Serbian nation. As the result of the struggle for independence, the hasty alliances and pressure from Turkey and Russia war broke out in the Balkans in 1912 followed by another war in 1913. The result was terrible unrest in the Balkan Peninsula and a fragile political situation.

The Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand

It was in this explosive climate that the spark that started World War I took place. Franz Josef, Emperor of Austria and King of Hungary sat on two thrones and ruled two countries at the same time. The Austro-Hungarian Empire had been ruled by the Hapsburg dynasty for hundreds of years. Heir to the throne was Franz Josef’s nephew the Archduke Franz Ferdinand. Unlike his uncle the Archduke was more supportive of Slavic independence and did not approve of much of the political maneuvering to keep the Balkans under the heavy hand of the Austro-Hungarian Empire. Ironically, it was the Archduke that was targeted for assassination by a group of Slavic terrorist. The assassination was planned for the 28^th of June in 1914 when the Archduke and his wife would be visiting Sarajevo, the capital city of Bosnia to observe military training of the Austro-Hungarian army. There were six assassins led by a Bosnian-Serb named Gavrilo Princip with weapons supplied to them by a Serbian terrorist organization known as the Black Hand. The Black Hand smuggled Princip and the others into Bosnia for the assassination.

On the day of the assassination, the Archduke and his wife Sophie were driving slowly in an open top car through the streets of Sarajevo when one of the conspirators threw bombs at the Archduke’s car. But the bomb bounced off the tires and exploded in the street wounding several officers and bystanders leaving the Archduke and his wife unhurt. They sped away toward the Town Hall. After the reception the Archduke and his wife decided to visit the wounded at the hospital. The driver of the motorcar took a wrong turn ironically on Franz Josef street, near a sandwich shop—the very location of one of the terrorists, Gavrilo Princip. The motorcar was put into reverse and the engine died. In that short moment Princip pulled out his pistol and shot the Archduchess in the stomach and the Archduke in the chest at point blank range. Both of them died within the hour leaving three children orphaned.

Repercussions—The July Crisis

Austria-Hungary was had been itching to strike at Serbia for years but had lacked a good excuse to do so until the assassination of the Archduke and his wife.  They accused the Serbian government of the plot on little or no evidence that the government had even been aware of the plans for the attack. Austria-Hungary believed they could start a short war with Serbia that would crush the rebellion and stabilize the Balkans under Austro-Hungarian rule. This might have been a solution if it had not been for the treaty system. Russia was bound by agreement to aid Serbia if Serbia was attacked by Austria-Hungary. The Dual Alliance between Germany and Austria-Hungary stated that if either country was drawn into war against Russia the other would provide assistance and support. France had agreed to help Russia if there was an attack from Germany or Austria-Hungary. Great Britain had made a number of agreements to help France if she should be at war with Germany and had also promised to protect Belgium’s neutrality.

The Road to War

On July 6, Germany promised to offer unconditional support to Austria-Hungary in going to war. This agreement has been called The Blank Check. Germany was willing to go to war against Russia and France but hoped to avoid a conflict with Great Britain. After receiving German support Austria-Hungary gave Serbia an ultimatum designed specifically to provoke a war. When Serbia rejected aspects of the ultimatum Austria-Hungary declared war on Serbia on July 28, 1914.  The alliances with the other countries turned what might have been a small conflict into a European conflagration. Tsar Nicholas II of Russia agreed to aid Serbia in a war against Austria-Hungary and Germany. This agreement drew France into the fray. Germany demanded that Russia withdraw and demobilize troops. When Russia refused Germany declared war on Russia on August 1^st.  Germany declared war on France on August 3rd. Germany demanded to enter Belgium to mobilize troops against France. King Albert of Belgium refused Germany’s ultimatum and Germany invaded Belgium on August 4^th. Great Britain, in defense of neutral Belgium declared war on Germany.

The First World War or The Great War as contemporaries called it,  had begun.

Conclusion

The Great War would be so pervasive and all consuming that its effects are still being measured today. The loss of human life and the degradation of concern for life were hallmarks of this war. It was the first total war involving all aspects of nations with shocking consequences. The First World War is a forgotten war as it is hidden in the shadows of what has been called the “The Good War” or World War II. The Great War started out with ignorance and bravado and ended in humiliation and rage for the losers and arrogance for the victors. Its destruction of morality during combat and civility during fighting left most remaining Europeans cynical and disheartened. It brought America onto the world stage and initiated the Roaring Twenties and the seeds of the Great Depression. It set the stage for both totalitarianism and socialist governments. It created radicals and dictators. It numbed humankind to disastrous effect.

Addiction: Regaining Your Power to Choose

Creation of an Addiction

Addictions are the result of a great longing inside of us. This longing happens when the soul is not nourished in childhood. Think back to when you were young. Was there something you wanted to do or be? Did you feel this something stirring deep inside of you? What happened to that? It was most likely starved. Sometimes this happens so young we never remember the stirring inside of us. But the hunger stays with us. The hunger makes us accept other tempting replacements as authentic. Sometimes the addiction is created when we are given a very strict ideal to become and we find that we do not fit the model given to us. This happens to most of us, which is why addiction is a continuing concern in our world. In some situations, such as belonging to a gang, the ideals that one must live up to are very specific and strict. Another example might be celebrity. Celebrities are supposed to live up to very narrow ideals of beauty, glamor and talent. When they find they cannot live up to such measures they often turn to addictive substances or relationships. For others, the ideals might be more pervasive, such as religious adherence or social norms required for acceptance.

Trying to fit to a mold or set of behaviors that does not come from our true authentic self, causes us to feel inadequate. We will then repress or destroy our own impulses in order to become that which we have been shown or told is ideal. This denial of the true desires of the self creates a hunger that cannot be sated. When talking about my own addictions I have used the term “caged and hungry tiger.” The consistent concept around addiction is longing and hunger. We seek out substances, stimulation, behaviors, or activities to try to fill that longing. But soon enough it takes over us.

Addiction and The Dancing Red Shoes

        The Dancing Red Shoes by Hans Christian Andersen can be used as an interesting metaphor for addiction. While Andersen’s story has religious overtones, (a common theme of his time) it can also be viewed as archetypal. The story goes something like this: A young girl who is very poor receives a pair of red shoes made by an old shoemaker, from odd pieces of red cloth. The girl loved her red shoes even though they were simple and unadorned. One day, the girl’s mother dies and on the day of her funeral a rich old lady takes in the poor child. She burns her clothes and her red shoes. The girl is saddened but embraces this new life where she must learn to read and sew and behave herself like all good girls should. The little girl was soon to be confirmed at church and the rich old woman who had taken her in, had the shoemaker in town make her a pair of shoes for the occasion. The old woman could not see well at all and the little girl chose a bright red pair of shoes to be made. She wears the shoes to church and everyone stares at her. Afterward, there is gossip in the congregation about the girl wearing red shoes. The old woman realizes the shoes are red and tells the girl she can never wear them again. She puts them in the closet and out of reach. But the next Sunday the girl sneaks into the closet and gets the red shoes and wears them to church. As she passes the threshold she sees on old soldier with a beard. He says, “What pretty dancing shoes you have there” and taps the soles. The shoes have been cursed. The girl begins to dance in the red shoes and cannot stop. The red shoes have complete power over the girl. The old woman and a few others help remove the enchanted shoes. The old woman hides them in a cupboard and tells the girl she can never, ever wear the red shoes again. But after awhile the old woman takes ill and dies. The girl takes the red shoes and puts them on her feet. This time she dances and dances and cannot stop. On her way down the road, completely out of her control she danced into the churchyard where an angel tells her she will dance in her red shoes forever more. She begs for mercy but the angel does not hear her because she has danced away. After sometime of this she meets the town executioner. She begs him to cut off her feet. He does so and the dancing shoes with her feet still in them dance away. She remains a cripple for the rest of her life.

• My own interpretation is this: The red shoes symbolize the replacement for what was authentically ours. Because it resembles the original we accept it as a replacement. We soon fall in love with our addiction, whether it be food, alcohol, drugs, control, work, video gaming, phones and other forms of addictions. We are tempted to wear the red shoes even when we have been warned against it. But the story is so much more than temptation, the red shoes are a replacement for the red shoes we had made for us from scraps. The red shoes that the rich old woman buys for the girl are substitutes for the ones that were burned. When we continue to wear them we are condemned to dance until we die or so it seems. But the girl does not die, she asks the executioner to cut off her feet which he does. Sometimes we completely cut off the thing which has had power over us and try to stay far away from the temptation. We become crippled. We may find a suitable prosthetic or learn to live without our feet. But I propose that we can grow new feet. Feet are good symbols for that which we stand for, our values and standards. The red shoes are the perfect symbol for addiction because addictions are about misplaced or misguided values. We grow new feet when we build a new value system for ourselves. There is no shame in addiction. Just as the girl in the story is innocent so too are we innocent until we find ourselves in the grip of the red shoes. The experience though, is important,  for it provides us with the wisdom and experience we need.

The War Against the Self

An addiction is, in part, a war against the Self. One part of us may want to be free of the addiction and the other part absolutely does not want to because the addiction is a replacement for our longing. In the story the girl goes back to the red shoes even after she knows that they are dangerous. We want it and we don’t want it. You want fulfillment and satisfaction for the deep longing and this drives you to continue the war inside. There is a deep belief that the addiction will eventually provide you with whatever it is you are longing for, whatever you are hungry for, but it never does.

An addiction represents the split of the self, the image of the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. We first encounter this struggle when we confront addictions. Would the dark side have any  power at all if it were not alluring, if it did not promise fulfillment?  We believe that the authentic thing is lost, like the shoes that were burned, and we are seeking an alternative or a replacement for them. Before healing the addiction can occur we must first end the war inside.

Willpower

Willpower is not the answer when dealing with addiction. Willpower is no match for an addiction. This is why resolutions do not work when one is trying to overcome an addiction. You may find willpower has some success initially but it does not have the staying power required to keep the addiction permanently at bay. Using willpower to confront an addiction creates a war inside of the self or keeps the war going. Willpower is an excellent tool for developing discipline, for not giving up when you are tired, it is the drive that keeps us moving when we would rather stop. But when using willpower to confront addiction it is like trying to end a war by warring. It is fundamentally non-congruent and will not succeed long term, just as a war cannot bring peace in the long term.

The Prosthetic Life

When we discover the power the addiction has over us we try to find whatever means we can to deal with it. We find out that our willpower is not enough. What is there left to do? Just like the girl in the story we beg the executioner to cut off our feet. Yes, we will be crippled but it is better than dancing to death. By avoiding the source of the addiction one can build a life that is meaningful. Once we finally have the courage to cut off our feet we must then begin to rebuild our life using a prosthetic. We stop spending time with friends that are still in the grip of addiction, we stay away from any event that serves alcohol if that is our addiction, or we sell our TV and video games. We radically change our life to avoid coming in contact with the source of our addiction. Twelve step programs are essentially support groups to help us build a prosthetic life to replace the one that was destroyed. Twelve step programs have been very useful and effective for many people. They are a valuable resource for addressing the issues we face in our own addictions. They can help us gain the insight necessary for understanding the deeper motives of our addiction. They offer support and accountability and the knowledge that others are struggling too and understand. And for some of us, a prosthetic life is better than no life at all. But I deeply believe that there is more. I believe that while a prosthetic may be useful for a time, even perhaps a long time, that true wholeness is possible, that I or you can eventually grow new limbs. 

PTSD and Addictions:

I have recently come to realize that addictions operate similarly to post traumatic stress disorder or PTSD. Since I have experienced both first hand I have been able to see the connections and similarities. PTSD is caused by trauma of some kind that is stored in the tissue of the body as well as in the brain. These instincts are gifts of survival. PTSD rewires the brain to react in a certain way when a specific trigger is presented. For example, when someone comes up behind me I feel my heart rate increase and fight or flight response that makes adrenaline rush through me. Being struck suddenly and without warning from behind as a child, has hard wired this reaction. Certain sounds are unbearable to me causing my skin to crawl and my legs to run. The brain and cellular tissues in my body are responding to a programming that I don’t remember creating. I cannot rationalize it away, or repress it or pretend it isn’t happening. The physiological responses are too intense to ignore.

Addictions operate in the same way. The destruction of our values and the diminishing of our dreams causes us to have a longing that demands to be satisfied. When the right trigger is presented our physical bodies respond to it. Certain foods, when I see them, cause physiological responses like sweating, or nervous jitters. This has been an invaluable discovery for me. Understanding this connection has helped me to look at my addiction with less shaming and more acceptance and it has allowed me to see the PTSD as something that can be healed instead of feeling merely a victim to it. Recognizing that both addictions and PTSD are a blend of physical, emotional and psychological issues allows me to approach healing and treatment from more than one angle. Working with myself as a whole person instead of diagnosing fragments is an new way for me to observe my behavior and eventually overcome both my addictions and the PTSD. If I, on some subconscious level, was able to program myself then I can discover how to do it consciously.

Types of Addictions:

In my experience, there are many different types of addictions. One can be addicted to a substance which is most obvious but there are more subtle addictions such as compulsive lying. Below is a partial list of the types of addiction as I have named them. I have experienced these addictions myself or witnessed them in others. The terms used are not scientific but are my own labels. After the description of each addiction I have included a possible longing that is trying to be fulfilled through the addiction. It is my hope that it will help you discover what you are really longing for.

Substance addictions can include the following:

• Alcohol addiction: all forms of alcohol including medicinal. (Longing to be yourself.)
• Sugar addiction: includes chocolate which is almost exclusively eaten with sugar. (Longing for sweetness in life.)
• Food addiction: includes overeating, binge eating and other abuses of food. (Longing for fulfillment.)
• Narcotics addiction: Illegal drugs such as heroine and cocaine. (Longing to be who you really are.)
• Prescription medicine addiction: Pain medications particularly. (Longing to feel good about yourself.)
• Tobacco addiction: Cigarettes, cigars, snuff and tobacco chew. (Longing to matter to others.)
• Caffeine addiction: Coffee, caffeinated sodas, etc. (Longing to be successful.)

Stimulation addictions: (While substance addictions are also stimulants I am making the distinction here regarding mental or visual stimulation.)

• TV addiction: includes addiction to sports, movies and numbing out in front of the TV. (Longing for hope and the promise of a future.)
• Music addiction: Constant need to be listening to music. (Longing to be connected to your emotions.)
• Gaming addiction: Includes computer games and video games. (Longing for self mastery.)
• Internet addiction: includes addiction to phones and devices that stream internet, web browsing and numbing out in front of the computer. (Longing for meaningfulness.)
• Reading addiction: Using books and reading to escape reality. It is social acceptable to read a lot and may be difficult to spot this addiction. (Longing for possibilities.)
• Pornography addiction: includes magazines such as Playboy, internet and pornography films. (Longing to be beautiful and desirable.)
  

Activity addictions or Doing addictions: (There are so many different doing addictions that the list below is only a small sample. Several of these addictions are quite socially acceptable)

• Working addiction: includes the classic workaholic, being perpetually busy so that you have no time, creating a schedule that keeps you occupied at all times. (Longing to feel valued.)
• Exercise addiction: includes making exercise overly important, exercising too much, using exercise as an escape. (Longing to be good enough.)
• Sex addiction: Constant need to be thinking of, performing or planning sexual encounters. (Longing for connection esp. to the body.)
• Gambling addiction: includes online gambling, betting on even small things as well as traditional types of gambling. Addicted to risks. (Longing to feel powerful.)
• Shopping addiction: includes buying things you don’t need, spending money recklessly or feeling powerless in stores or online. (Longing to be self sufficient.)
• Hoarding addiction: unable to throw useless objects away, collecting, gathering and holding onto things obsessively. (Longing to be important.)
• Relationship addiction: expressed by needing to always be in a relationship, fear of being alone, constantly checking up and nursing relationships to the point of obsession. Constant phone talking, texting, emailing, etc. The object of the relationship is the source of the addiction. (Longing for self acceptance.)
• OCD behavioral addiction: includes excessive hand washing, cleaning, touching or straightening items and other single-minded obsessions. (Longing to trust.)

Psychological addictions:

• Complaining addiction: includes addiction to negativity and complaining. (Longing to be heard and listened to.)
• Controlling addiction: Manipulating others, bossiness, a need to be in charge. (Longing to be of service.)
• Depression addiction: While depression has real physical causes it can also be addressed from a psychological position. It can be an emotional state that we become addicted to. (Longing to feel whole.)
• Lying addiction: Compulsive lying, especially when the truth would be more useful. (Longing for unconditional love and acceptance.)
• Emotion addictions: addicted to intense feelings such as anger, sadness and grief. A need to manufacture these emotions by creating drama or feeding off of others’ suffering. (Longing to heal from traumas.)
• Perfection addiction: (Longing to feel worthy.)

Denial Addictions: 

• Starvation addiction: anorexia and the denial of health. (Longing to feel valuable.)
• Cutting addiction: includes cutting the body or causing unnecessary pain. (Longing for strength and courage.)
• Suffering addiction: Self flagellation, pushing past your physical limits to a dangerous degree or causing illnesses. (Longing for proof of worthiness.)

Take the time to discover what your longing is and how the addiction is creating a false sense of fulfillment of this longing.

The Stages of  Addiction:

In my own struggle with addictions, I have found that there is a process that I repeat over and over again. I call it the stages of addiction.

• Temptation: I feel an irrational pull toward the behavior or substance. This is usually consuming my thoughts and distractions are ineffective.
• Resistance: I try to ignore this pull. I fight it by telling myself that I don’t want it. I engage in the war by wanting it and not wanting it simultaneously.
• Doing it in secret: Because willpower is no match for the addiction I eventually give in but I do so in secret. I will try to rationalize it or make excuses to keep it hidden.
• Self reproach or Blame: I then deal with guilt, shame or regret. This is followed by either blaming others or blaming my circumstances.
• Apathy: When nothing appeases the shame the next phase is apathy. Who cares anyway? Why try to resist when there can be no success? I stop caring.
• Depression: Apathy often leads to depression. Despair, victimization, hopelessness and dark thoughts fill my mind. “You are worthless, you will never change and you don’t deserve anything better.”
• Normalcy: Eventually, sometimes by sheer grace, I  finally pull myself out of the depression and try to live normally again. This works for a short time before the temptation comes again. The whole process repeats itself.

How To Spot Addictions

How do I know if I have an addiction or I simply enjoy what I am doing or consuming?

Some symptoms of addictive behavior:

• I can’t stop even when I have the impulse to stop or it takes time after I want to stop, to follow through and stop.
• I find myself doing it before I have made a conscious choice.
• It is totally reactive with no time to consciously respond.
• I feel guilt for doing it and wish I would stop.
• I justify my behavior regularly and make convincing excuses.
• I tend to do this behavior sneakily or secretly.
• I experience getting high as well as some form of withdrawal when attempting to stop.
• I feel empowered for a short time only to be followed by a sense of dis-empowerment.

The Stages for Healing Addictions

Awareness

Awareness and paying attention is key to addressing any addiction. Notice, notice, notice. Become  the observer and watch the addiction like a scientist observing a new species. How do you behave right before you pick up that chocolate cake or buy something you don’t need? What are your thoughts before, during and after? Notice feelings that arise before, during and after. Pay attention to the pattern. How long does it take before you need more? How often do you justify your behavior? What do you do secretly? Exploring the motives and drives of addictions is a powerful way to gain awareness.

The End of the War

War is painful. There is killing and fear and wounds. In wars there are soldiers who are required to follow orders. The addiction is your commanding officer and you must follow orders without question.But wars have consequences. Those who survive are often wounded mentally or physically. The war inside of us causes us to extreme behaviors, causes us to violate our consciences and leaves us with few if any choices. Addiction is being at war with yourself. You are your own enemy. Choosing to end the war in yourself can be a challenge because we feel like we have failed. But hurting yourself and being in conflict with yourself can never bring victory because there will always be a part of you that feels defeated. End the war and be a peace.

Values

What is really important to you? What matters deeply? What are you longing for? Discover what you really want and value. How is the addiction giving you what you want or value (at least temporarily). What does it provide relief from?  You really have to think outside the box. Your mind is a big component of addiction so thinking differently about it can help you see more clearly what is happening through the addiction. Understanding what matters to you will help you discover your deep longing.

Gratitude

Cultivate gratitude for the addiction. Pay attention to how it has saved you, guided you, taught you, and pushed you to new awareness and developed your inner muscles. Find everything that makes the addiction valuable. Gratitude is a powerful transformer. It brings light to every situation and can help you see what has always been there but has been obscured from view.

Acceptance

Completely accept yourself even if you are behaving in the addictive pattern. Accept the addiction, accept the truth, accept your journey. Accept what is, unconditionally. Acceptance is the birthplace of choice. Unless you can accept fully, your power to choose is greatly diminished. If you accept with gratitude not only will you have the power to choose again but options will become available that you were previously unaware of. But true acceptance requires you to become comfortable with discomfort. Draw near to the thing you would shun. This seems counter-intuitive but it is really the only way to change your perception of yourself. Acceptance does not mean settling with an idea you find repugnant but rather seeing the repugnant idea with new eyes. Acceptance means seeing value where before there was none. 

Choose

Keep your awareness sharp enough to always be able to choose what you will and will not do. If the addiction still has significant power then choose to let the addiction choose for you. At least you are choosing something. Choosing allows you to maintain awareness throughout the addictive process. Eventually you will have the power to choose more and more with practice.

A Personal Story

I am beginning to experience real success in overcoming my own addictions. It has taken years but the process described above is something I practice everyday. The power to choose again, to not feel overcome by the sight of food, has been a most liberating experience. To walk into a grocery store and not have the voice in my head telling me all the foods I want to eat; “buy this, buy that,”  is to finally have peace of mind. I still have times when I overeat but I have so much awareness of it that I can stay in the healing process rather than get stuck in the stages of addiction. I still feel the urge to hide my food, or eat really fast so that I can have more before I realize I am full. I still have thoughts that tell me I am ugly and unworthy and I don’t deserve to be loved. But I simply challenge those thoughts and realize how deeply connected those thoughts are to the food on my plate.

For years I was in denial. I didn’t want to own the addiction. I wanted to pretend that I was different, that diet and exercise didn’t have any effect on me. I finally accepted the hard truth nearly three years ago. Once I accepted the truth, that I had eaten my way to being fat and that I had an addiction that I could not control the door to my awareness opened. Suddenly I could see what I was denying, I could recognize my behavior as reactive. I simply began by noticing all the little things I had spent so much energy ignoring or avoiding. I noticed how fast I ate. I noticed how often I leaned over the sink to quickly eat something, as if eating it over the sink somehow allowed the calories to drain out. I noticed how often I waited until everyone was gone before sneaking another eclair or gulping down a piece of cold meatloaf from the fridge. It was really shocking when one day I found myself out behind the garbage eating a doughnut. But my job was simply to take note of all that I had been denying—not to try to change it. I made a decision to end the war inside of me, the war against the self.

The first thing I did was to get rid of my scale. This was scary because the scale had become the strict schoolmaster, shaming me into improvement when the pounds went up and modestly approving of me when the scale went down. I was worried about my ability to track my own weight. Then it occurred to me: I was in my body and my body would tell me if I was gaining weight or losing weight. Not only that, but my body could communicate to me about any and every thing that I ate. It seemed like such an obvious thing to know but I had disconnected from my body a long, long time ago. I had become so accustomed to using the scale just as an amputee becomes accustomed to a prosthetic. I promised to never get on a scale again until the day that I no longer cared what the scale had to reveal.

The second thing I did was make a promise to myself, one that I have at times nearly broken. I promised to NEVER diet again. This meant I would never make requirements such as calorie counting, low carb, low fat, low anything food restrictions. I would not read one more article in Readers Digest about weight loss. “Get that Summer Body Back,” or Ten Foods to Make Fat Melt,” were no longer temptations. I ended the war. I stopped resisting, fighting, dieting, restricting, shaming, blaming, fearing, panicking and forcing myself. This was a long process. I had been at war for many, many years. One does not simply come home and forget the war, forget soldiering. It took time to heal my battle wounds. I have been tempted, sorely tempted, when the old feelings of unworthiness rise up out of the shadow like monsters from the deep sea, to return to the war, to diets and restriction but it is too late and I know it. I have a new path to walk, the path of peace.

But I was afraid of ending the war.  I was afraid that without the scale and without a diet or exercise I would grow to be an 800 pound invalid eating stacks of cheeseburgers and mountains of fries everyday. I worried that I would find myself huge and prostrate on a special heavy duty bed, with empty doughnut boxes scattered all over my blankets. I imagined the sores on my body, the round-the-clock nurse that had to take care of me because I could no longer get out of bed and take a shower. I worried that once I took away the measures that held me accountable that I would run helter-skelter toward the nearest fast food restaurant and never stop eating.

I was wrong. I was wrong about all of it. When I ended the war, really ended it, I began to hear the whispers of my body again. I heard its voice like an old friend calling me after a long absence. It said, “enough. I am full.” It said, “don’t eat that, it won’t feel good in your stomach.” It said, “drink water please, take a walk please.” It taught me to listen again. It alerted me when I was eating fast and reminded me to slow down.  When choosing something from the menu at a restaurant my body helped me to know what I really needed and how to manage portions. I didn’t always obey the voice but I always heard it. I still don’t always obey the voice but I hear it loud and clear now.

The one thing I had been longing for was  freedom. After having experienced a restrictive and denying childhood I wanted nothing more than freedom. I ate and ate without restraint or wisdom just to show the world and myself that I could. I was free to do what I wanted, to eat what I wanted and no one could stop me. But the red shoes danced me to desperation. Once on my feet I couldn’t get them off. When I ended the war the shoes fell off of my feet. I have put them back on again but I have learned how to take them off again. I simply stop warring with myself. This on again off again process gradually shifted. At first, I found that I had a peaceful sense of neutrality toward food for very short periods of time, maybe an afternoon or one meal then it was back to the struggle. After some time I noticed the periods of neutrality becoming longer lasting a week or so followed by three weeks of struggle. Slowly the movement has shifted toward feeling neutral most of the time and the addictive pattern and feelings appearing less and less often.

Acceptance has been the most challenging part of the journey. I once had a goal to be thin. Sometimes I tricked myself by calling this goal of being thin “getting healthy.” It really just meant getting thin. But I changed my goal from being thin (which also meant being happy and having a fairy tale life) to accepting myself unconditionally as I was. To be fat and to accept my fatness with love and gentleness. To care for my body in the condition it was in with no intent to change it. At first I thought, if I accept myself completely then I might not care that I was fat. Then I will always be fat. After I got over that story I thought maybe if I completely accept myself then my weight will simply disappear pound by pound without any effort. But those ulterior motives for self acceptance were thoughts of non-acceptance. I wanted to be able to look at my body and not label it at all. I wanted to just see a person, a body, a being.

I had an epiphany about this one day while driving. I was winding my way down a path lined with wild trees. I noticed the trees in a new way. I saw them differently. Some trees were partially dead with limbs hanging down by a thin thread of bark, others were new and slender and seeking for the light. I saw one tree with a great gnarled trunk the curved out and then back on itself like something out of a fantasy novel. Another tree had such a wide girth and roots that spread out like snakes slithering across the ground. Some trees were growing quite crooked and at a ninety degree angle and others were bent and twisted. Some were tall, some were fat, some were narrow and some were strange. I found them all mesmerizing and beautiful. I thought of the great fat tree and I did not think it was wrong. I didn’t think it should be smaller. It was majestic and full. The narrow trees, the skinny ones were delicate and provided a nice contrast to the large tree. The strange trees all twisted and unusual were stunning in their uniqueness. The epiphany was this: I didn’t want to change them at all, none of them. I suddenly saw all the people in the world, the skinny ones, the fat ones, the strange and unusual ones; the ones with missing limbs and gnarled hands, the old, the wrinkled, the smooth the un-scarred and the scarred as so perfect, so riveting and full of beauty. It was such a stunning realization. It was my judgement that created the suffering and the not-good-enough feelings. I was tree and my size and shape as unique as any other. Why had I decided I needed to be different?

If I listen to my friend, my body, I will be alerted to what I need to change just as the tree’s body tells it how to grow, to best find the light above and the nourishment below. I can listen to my body and let it lead me to health. If health means losing weight my body will tell me and help me. There is nothing for me to DO except listen and respond. If my body needs movement it will guide me and motivate me to move. There is nothing for me to strive for but to be alert to my friend, my body. Most days I have found peace with food, peace with my body and acceptance of life as it is but some days I still struggle. Some days I wake up with the feeling of self-hatred and ugliness washing over me. I am learning to accept these thoughts as well. I am learning to invite them into the conversation too. Some days I overeat but those days are becoming more and more infrequent. I am barely beginning to realize that there is no longer a goal to be achieved, nothing to become and nowhere to be but here, right now.

The Gift of the Struggle

Addictions are real struggles. As I have wrestled with the destructive impulse of addiction, only to finally give in to its might, I can become discouraged and overwhelmed. But there is a gift in this struggle. The war inside is of value. The war inside of me keeps me uncomfortable enough to be willing to look at the changes I need to make. It pushes me, motivates me, challenges me and seems to have more stamina than I do. But there is a deep desire in my soul that doesn’t allow me to quit. This desire and the awareness of it is the gift of the struggle, the gift of the “great war” inside of me. I have learned that only I can end this war. The war ends with total acceptance. When I accept my addiction, the whole cycle of it and I do not resist it the power of it weakens. I may still succumb to the addiction but my awareness prevents the addiction from taking me over. The gift of the war is that I become so uncomfortable that I become aware of the inner conflict. This awareness allows me the opportunity to surrender and find the peace of total acceptance. Acceptance does not mean inaction or complacency; quite the opposite. It returns me to my source of authenticity where my actions have more power. Acceptance gives me the power to choose. Once you regain your power to choose, willpower and discipline are available again. A lot of energy is expended in the struggle. Imagine having all that extra energy for following through on decisions and using it for self discipline. Self discipline only works when it is in complete alignment with choice.

Honoring the Addiction

The addiction is the path to wholeness. The addiction serves as a catalyst for discovering wholeness and bringing the unwanted parts of the self back and integrating them. Honor the addiction, do not despise it. Hating it is part of the war. You don’t have to love it to invite it in and let it teach you its hard lessons. Be honest with yourself and others about the addiction. So many of us are struggling in the dark, shaming ourselves and hiding the truth. By speaking up about your own addictions and talking about them with respect and honor give others  permission to do the same. You can provide a place for others to discover the gifts of their own addictions. The journey of the dancing red shoes begins with innocence and desire. The addiction is only the painful part of the story where the way to survive is to cut off your feet. This is not the end of the story though. As you work through the process you will find that there is also joy, wisdom, awareness understanding and compassion. Your addiction may lead you to people and opportunities you would not have otherwise encountered. And at the end of the journey you just may look down to find that you have grown new feet.

Some good resources and books that might add to your understanding about addictions include:

Loving What Is by Byron Katie

Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth

The Red Shoes by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodron

The film: What the Bleep Do We Know?

Disclaimer: This article was written ONLY as a support for anyone struggling with addiction. It does not replace the advice of a physician or other licensed practitioner. Many addictions have very real physical and genetic causes. This article does not deny this.

Ancient Bristlecone Pine literally thousands of years old. Cliche? I think not.

The older I get the more cliche I have become. I guess I never realized that all those cliches that have caused an involuntary grimace have only endured because they are too true to fall out of use. I didn’t know that with age comes wisdom (I hope) and wisdom doesn’t care about cleverness or a smart turn of a phrase. Wisdom knows truth when it is spoken and responds to that truth no matter how run down or worn out it may be. I hear myself actually using cliches in conversation. For example, just the other day I said, in all earnestness, “My, how time doth fly.” Okay, I didn’t say doth, but you get my point. I could have waxed eloquent about the passage of time, carefully avoiding cliches like sharp rocks on a sandy beach but the phrase “my, how time flies,” is simply better. I imagine for a moment how the speaker or author must have felt when uttering that phrase for the first time. To compare something as evasive and intangible as passing time to flying must have felt hitting a vein of gold in a mine.

Yet we frown on the use of cliches, we strike it shamefacedly from our writing or we roll our eyes when others use them but there was a time when someone imagined that phrase in an attempt to adequately express the inexpressible. They must have smiled in victory at the perfection of it and then watched as the words became suddenly animated with their own life. Of course, there is price to pay for longevity. Phrases that once thrummed with intrigue and ingenuity become wooden and klutzy with age.

The new can never stay new for long, no matter how much we may want it to. Many things fall away into disrepute and disuse. Great ideas or fine words can crumble under the weight of years until they are no more than dust blowing about and completely forgotten. But a few things endure, a few things have just the right ingredients to keep them going year after year and century into century. And who can say what gives one phrase longevity and another, equally true phrase, a quick and painless death?

I turned 40 years old today and I can’t help but wonder about cliches. That I am pondering age and the passage of time on my 40th birthday is in itself a sort of a cliche and makes me smile even as I write it. I am cliche at 40. My kids think I am old, my mother knows I am not, but I have the feeling of wearing out, tired, with a good panoramic view of the past now visible behind me and suddenly seeing how little there is left in front of me. What once was an endless horizon of possibility has become a fixed path leading straight to a grave. Okay, maybe that’s a little pessimistic but the fact that I can even envision the end of life, that the future is not some fantastic blur of events to come, is a little sobering. Much of the future I once dreamed about has become solid and unchanging events of the past.

That is not say I am unhappy about getting older and having all the rich life experience that comes with age. I have found each decade to be more fulfilling than anything I could have dreamed up and I look forward with eagerness to however many decades are left for me to enjoy. It’s just that I spent all of my twenties and at least some of my thirties huffing and puffing on the mountain of life, climbing upward and only considering the rock in front of me or the bramble that caught my sleeve, never once considering the distance I was putting behind me. It is remarkable really-Time. The way it marches on to the beat of silent drums whether you are straining to hear them or not. Cliches are inheritances from those who have come before us. They serve as our connection with the past and will no doubt be handed to future speakers and writers.

Today, I celebrate the cliche. To celebrate those phrases and ideas that seem to have immortality pinned to the ground, giving out daily allowances. Immortality concedes because the good cliches, the really, really good ones, deserve to last.

Don’t despair, I will be on the lookout in the future that my own writing does not become riddled with them but today I give myself permission to use them freely (as I am sure you have noticed) and in whatever abundance I find them I will celebrate their endurance. I may still cringe when I hear someone try to pass off a cliche as something ever so original but for today the cliche has the seat of honor, right alongside me.

Parenting in the Technological Age

In today’s technologically advanced world kids have an ever increasing opportunity for distractions and disconnect. It is easier than ever to communicate but the forms of communication such as texting and social media, lack personal responsibility and face to face intimacy. The problems parents encounter regarding video games and computer gaming is a legitimate concern and there is much contradicting information and statistics. Many parents feel they are losing their kids to a virtual world and the kids are not developing properly. With the Internet and the many ways of accessing the Web, children today can be exposed to all sorts of inappropriate materials, explicit violence and foul language.

What’s a parent to do?

Video Gaming

Video gaming is a huge industry. In 2009 according to one market research company, 9.9 billion dollars worth of video games, devices and equipment related to video gaming were sold. It is obvious that video games are here to stay. Parents are then faced with the responsibility of deciding whether or not to allow their children to play video games. If you do decide to let your children play games like Mario, it can easily become a slippery slope, leading to other kinds of games that include violence or other inappropriate elements. Once that Pandora’s Box is open there is no going back. Some parents choose to be completely electronic free and raise their kids with old fashioned values. While this is appealing, it is not very practical as the technology becomes more prevalent and the world becomes more dependent on electronics and other devices.

Be True to You

Always, my philosophy for raising kids begins with this idea: Be true to yourself first. If you don’t feel comfortable having any devices in your home then trust that and hold to your personal ideals. It doesn’t mean though that your kids won’t be exposed to it otherwise. The idea here is to establish YOUR values first. This decision cannot be made based on what you think is best for your kids, but rather what is best for you first. Decide what feels right for you and your environment. Take your time and really examine what you want for YOU. This builds a foundation that you will be able to support, because it is authentic. If you act out of fear or approval you will not be able to support your choices for long, and you may find yourself giving in or going to extremes. If you decide to allow your kids to have access to the Internet, use cell phones or other devices and play video games. . . here are a few things that have helped me.

Cellphones and Texting

Many parents have a major concern with the way cell phones have invaded family life. It is too easy to send Mom or Dad a text about being late and not taking responsibility for it. Or instead of doing things together as a family, everyone is on their own phone texting, listening to music or engaged in some other distraction. This prevents meaningful connections and spontaneous conversation. It seems the problem only gets worse the older the kids become. But many, if not most parents provide their children with cell phones, paying the bills for data and unlimited calling etc. and then complain about their use of the device. I have found that requiring kids to buy their own phones, such as a prepaid phone, creates the right balance of responsibility for the proper use of the device. This might be inconvenient for parents. It is really nice to be able to contact your child whenever  you need to know where they are or what they are doing. It is important for emergencies too. But parents can’t have it both ways. You either allow your child to be fully responsible by paying for their phones completely and dealing with the inconveniences or problems that go along with that choice or you give them the phones, pay the bills and accept the consequences of that choice.

My four older children all have their own phones that they pay for themselves. My twelve year old son doesn’t want a phone because it “costs too much to keep”. The other kids (except my oldest who has a job)  work around the house or do yard work in the summer, for money. If they choose not to work and pay for their minutes their phone turns off. I don’t have to be the bad guy. The consequences are built in. If the child has to work to pay for the right to text all night long, they will at least spend as much time working as texting. Personal responsibility provides the right balance for kids to have their own phones.

This same concept holds true for Playstations and Xbox systems, games, iPods and mp3 players, tablets such as Kindle and iPads. Don’t buy any of it for them, not for Christmas or birthdays. That was one mistake I learned from and am not repeating. And if you wanted to keep Internet use under control too, you may consider having each child that owns a device that requires Wifi, to pay a percentage of the monthly bill. When it really matters to you as a parent, you will take the pains and the trouble to provide these important boundaries.

Social Media and the Internet

Passwords, passwords, passwords

I have two computers in my home and several TV’s that stream from devices such as an Xbox, Wii and BlueRay players. This gives kids access to the Internet via TVs. Between the computers and the TVs there is not much of an obstacle to prevent the abuse of the Internet. But most computers and TVs (thanks to all that new technology) have parental controls that allow parents to monitor, block access and channels and other means of managing the Internet in the home. Again, the only downside is that it is inconvenient to the parent. I keep a strict password for computer access and for Netflix viewing in my home. There are times when I curse the passwords and the blocked access but most of the time I am grateful for the ability to keep tabs on the kids. Passwords and parental controls are not a perfect solution and they will not prevent the determined child from accessing inappropriate material, but it is a pretty good alternative to going device-free.

Be Involved

The last and most important bit of wisdom I have learned about all the technology and the concerns that go with it is this: Be involved. Talk to your kids about their experiences dealing with the pitfalls and the temptations of the Internet. Ask them daily, for their opinions and what their personal ethics are in the Information Age. Talk about plagiarism, pirating, freedom of speech etc. If your child is into gaming or can’t pull themselves away from Facebook or Pinterest talk to them about addiction. Have an open and ongoing dialogue about their experiences dealing with addicting games, or other electronic obsessions. Discuss the films your child watches on TV with objectivity. Teach them how to manage this constant information overload by questioning their motives, the behaviors and consequences. Don’t allow the subject to become a source of stress or become taboo. This creates an environment of secrecy, shame and separation. Eventually your kids will grow up and be confronted with the overwhelming options of technology anyway. By staying involved and teaching them how to work through the issues they face while they are young, you can prepare your child learn to manage their own affairs as adults.

Be willing to get involved with them by doing other activities that the child shows a strong interest in doing. For example, I have two daughters who work at a horse barn cleaning stalls and doing other related jobs to earn the money for their weekly horse-riding lessons. Be careful not to pay for their projects and their passions. Let them earn the money for their uniforms if they are on a sports team. Otherwise, you are just paying to keep them away from the things that have you worried. When a child pays for their own activities they get more pleasure from it and feel more in control of their own lives. This automatically makes them more responsible.  Your kids will get the most out of their activities if they are paying for them.

The issues of raising children in the Information Age, are not going away. Personal responsibility is the key to managing this problem. Rather than denying your kids the opportunity to be apart of the technology that is out there,  it is better to teach kids the tools that they will need to navigate the challenges they will face in doing so, that they can enjoy the blessings of it more fully.

Living Free of Expectations

One of the most transforming ideas I have encountered is the concept of living without expectations. This may seem irresponsible, unreliable and fickle. In fact, the opposite is true. Living free of expectations requires me to take full and complete responsibility for my feelings, thoughts, actions/reactions and behaviors. Expectations give me permission to complain, blame and throw tantrums. But that leaves a big question: if I don’t have expectations how can I look forward to things, plan ahead, be prepared or hold myself accountable? Additionally, what about the law of attraction? Isn’t a vision board or other types of visualizations for the future also expectations? I would like to explore some of the things I have learned about living without expectations.

Anticipation vs Expectation

Let me just make a distinction here between expectations and anticipation. I can anticipate what needs to be done for example without an expectation. I can look ahead and plan but I maintain the flexibility that my plans could change. It is enjoyable to anticipate going to dinner with friends for example but when the whole plan falls through it is simple to adjust to whatever happens. I can anticipate my kids cleaning their rooms but when they don’t and I find them watching TV, instead of feeling angry I wonder what they need to motivate them and inspire them to clean their rooms. I feel light and free to experiment and find creative solutions to problems. When I expect my kids to clean their rooms my ego feels disrespected when I find them watching TV instead. My ego feels justified in punishing or using guilt tactics to get what I want. Having expectations of the future and other people’s behavior is arrogant and audacious. However, simply anticipating, works fine because anticipation leaves room for any and all possibilities. Anticipation implies that I have a predetermined idea of what might happen and I am open to whatever happens. Expectation implies that I have a predetermined idea of what SHOULD happen and I fix my plans in stone. This always causes disappointment.

Expect Disappointment

When I have expectations I find that I am always disappointed. The romantic date I had been expecting never turns out quite right. The plans I had for work were never completed because of all the interruptions. This can lead to frustrations and disappointments. But if I go on a romantic date which I have been anticipating and a snowstorm requires cancelling the dinner I find myself eager to discover how the evening will turn out. Disappointment is replaced with curiosity and openness. There is an underlying attitude that when things change, the change is always for the better. This may seem like a Pollyanna viewpoint or a naive form of optimism but in truth it is wisdom. I am not hiding my head in the sand or only willing to look at the good and not the bad. It is a perception shift from limitation to possibility. When I don’t get any work accomplished because of all the interruptions I realize (hopefully early on) that I am not meant to work and I look around to see what is calling my attention. Maybe my kids need me and I am ignoring them in my effort to get work done. I can arrange for another time to do my work, such as at night after they go to bed or I can get up early one morning to finish if I need to. When the moment requires me to do so,  I let go of my plans and embrace whatever is happening. Suddenly everything becomes easy and effortless. I feel like a success.

Expectations and the Law of Attraction

To live free of expectations may seem like a contradiction to the principles of attracting what we desire into our lives but in fact expectations are obstructions. In my experience, the Universe or Higher Power  (or whatever you prefer) is fluid and moving. Everything is flowing. An expectation acts like a dam, blocking and trying to force the flow in a particular direction. But when I align myself with this Higher Power and surrender to it through openness I see rather than seek the future in front of me. Everything is possible without expectations. I can envision myself as a New York Times best-selling author touring the United States on book tour and giving interviews and signing books at packed bookstores. That vision provides me with drive and motivation to keep going when I am tired or feeling hopeless. The vision is simply a focus. The secret is not being attached to the process or the outcome. I have no idea what the future holds for me I only know what I feel drawn to do in each moment. I trust that doing so will lead me to my highest happiness and success. Only when I cooperate with whatever is happening can I be an active participant in creating my own future. I can envision myself doing any number of things but as long as I am attached to the process or outcome (i.e. expectation) I will effectively block what needs to happen, creating frustration and stagnation.

Most things that have happened have always been different than I imagined them to be and quite often better than I imagined them. So, if you think about it, having expectations is like lowering the bar and settling for less. The Universe might have something much more amazing in store for you if you remain open and unattached to the outcome or how it should happen.

Enjoying Life in the Moment

Practicing living without expectations takes me right to the present moment.  When I stay in the present moment, expectations are impossible. Expectations project an outcome for the future, immediately taking me away from the NOW and into some future of my imagining. When the future looks different than I expected it to, I feel let down by life. When I remain in the moment there is no future and no past. I can easily move as life demands it and I am ever ready to deal with whatever comes my way.

• “Life is simple. Everything happens for you not to you. You don’t have to like it, it’s just easier if you do.” Byron Katie

Understanding The Rebel Archetype

An American Icon

The Rebel archetype is a very American archetype and is in some ways a definitive behavior of the American individual and is inexorably linked to freedom. Its the wild, wild west with all it’s renegades and law-breakers. America was founded on rebellions from the Pilgrims and Puritans rebelling against the British monarchy to the so called heretics rebelling against Puritanism and religiosity such as Roger Williams and Ann Hutchinson. Early mountain men were outsiders or mavericks and the wildness and freedom of America appealed to this type. The colonists later rebelled against taxation and other deprivations of freedom leading to the great rebellion known as the American Revolution. The rebel archetype continued to play out on the American theater in both the light and the shadow with the vengeful destruction of the Native American tribes to the rise of the abolitionist and the overthrow of slavery.The Confederate States of America which was formed prior to the outbreak of the American Civil War is an example of a collective type of outlaw and rebellion. For many, the formation of the Confederate States of America had less to do with slavery and more about states’ rights. Interestingly, the Confederate army soldier was also known as Johnny Reb, a clear reflection of the Rebel archetype. Later, it was rebels like Thomas Edison and Henry Ford that thrust America into the age of invention and technology. This idea of rebellion leading to innovation, reform and ultimately renewal is at the heart of this powerful archetype.

Variants of the Rebel Archetype

There are many varieties of the rebel archetype that might be helpful to think of as sub-archetypes. These include the revolutionary, the troublemaker, the provocateur, the free spirit, the maverick, the outsider, the outlaw and the reformer. Look for patterns of behavior that have been apart of who you are, throughout your whole life. Situations can bring out the rebel archetype in all of us, so in order to identify this archetype as a personal one, the behavior must be prevalent throughout childhood as well as adulthood. Below are several variations of the Rebel archetype to help you determine if this is indeed a personal archetype and what variant you feel most connected to.

The Revolutionary

The Revolutionary feels a strong pull toward righting wrongs. This type views the world and societies as unfair and unjust. The Revolutionary is not afraid of upheaval but actually finds it stimulating and encouraging. The potential for reform and transformation drives this archetype. The Revolutionary is also talented at seeing things in unique and thought provoking ways and are often natural leaders. This type can be also motivated by revenge, authority, power and control. The Revolutionary is not just political although that is the most common. They are also writers, artists, inventors and others who have done ground-breaking work that radically changes things.

• Example: The scientist, Marie Curie and the Mexican artist Frida Khalo.

The Troublemaker

The Troublemaker is often labeled the “bad boy or girl” and trouble seems to follow this type. This variant of the rebel archetype is often viewed only negatively and, while its reputation is well deserved, the Troublemaker has some excellent qualities. While this type enjoys “rocking the boat” disrupting the status quo and provoking others, this can also be used to keep a relationship from becoming stagnant, for example. The Troublemaker is not afraid of the change that results from chaos and agitation. Change is a welcome relief for the Troublemaker archetype. By keeping things unsettled and stirred up, his type is useful for maintaining integrity of others and bringing to light corruption and decay. The shadow can be an anarchist, creating chaos for the sense of power it provides. Similar to an arsonist who starts fires and then enjoys watching the chaos that ensues, the shadow Troublemaker makes trouble and then steps back to enjoy the show.

• Example: Benjamin Franklin, especially noted in his Silence Dogood letters.

The Provocateur

The Provocateur tends to be the intellectual, challenging others with words and causing others to think about their own ideas more deeply. These types are thinkers and can make excellent motivational speakers. They see situations and problems from a different perspective than most, challenging others to think outside the box. This makes them good problem solvers and effective debaters. They feel compelled to rouse others from complacency or conformity. The shadow side enjoys making others uncomfortable for their own amusement and likes the shock value of being different or edgy. They enjoy having the upper hand, using their wit and natural intelligence to keep others confused. They love the role of Devil’s Advocate.

• Example: The writers, George Orwell and Gore Vidal.

The Free Spirit

The Free Spirit lives by their own rules and loves to be different and free from the constraints of the status quo and acceptability. This type often dresses outlandishly or uses tattoos and hair dye to set them apart from others. They thrive on standing out of crowd. Driven by their own compass they neither rely upon nor look to others for how to live their life. They are spontaneous and independent making this type difficult to parent because they have an aversion to routines, rules and regulations. The shadow side is obnoxious, needs constant attention and is fickle and unreliable. They can be indifferent to the needs of others and how their behaviors impact others. They may find holding down a job, or remaining in relationships a real trial.

• Example: The character of Phoebe from the TV comedy, Friends.

The Maverick

The Maverick is perfectly fine doing things on their own and without the support of others. This type tends to be quiet about their ideas and unlike the free spirit they don’t need to show the whole world how different they are. The Maverick has a confidence and security with who they are. They can go against the grain, say what needs to be said without worry what others will think and are more than prepared to stand alone in their convictions. They live by their own moral code. In the shadow this moral code can be one of revenge or law-breaking. They can also be rigid, inflexible and loners. It may be difficult for this type to be a team player or to be an effective leader. Working with others and learning to negotiate is not this type’s strength. Leave them alone and don’t cross them. Like all Rebel types they tend to hold lifelong grudges against those who have wronged them.

• Example: Henry Ford

The Outsider/Misfit

Similar to the free spirit, the outsider enjoys the perspective of being the dissenting voice, and having an outsiders view. They feel like they are too different to belong anywhere and that the status quo is the worst kind of prison. They are always doing the unexpected. This type can be eccentric, odd and offbeat. They secretly longs to fit in but once accepted finds the experience to be stifling. The Outsider/Misfit archetype shares some similarities with the Orphan Child archetype.

The Outsider or Misfit type will sometimes appear to be tough or unfeeling because always being on the outside or unable to fit in anywhere can be a challenge. This type struggles with loneliness and will often neglect the development of their potential or always highlighting their different-ness to set themselves above others. The light side includes, being unconventional and offering perspectives that can solve problems, inventive or being highly creative.

• Example: Albert Einstein and Thomas Edison.

The Outlaw

The Outlaw is another type of the Rebel archetype. With a “rules are made to be broken attitude” this type, like the others, lives on the edge and is willing to defy authority figures that make laws that are unjust. They are unafraid of confrontations and can even enjoy the notoriety. The outlaw has an internal sense of right and wrong that supersedes societal expectations. The legend of Robin Hood is an example of breaking the laws that are deemed unfair and dispensing justice on one’s one. The shadow side can feel justified in resorting to violence or simply enjoys the thrill of breaking laws and going against authority without any purpose or breaking the law for personal gains.

• Example: Al Capone and John Brown.

The Reformer

The reformer feels a strong need to make changes in a world that is sorely in need of improvement. Unafraid of change and upheaval the reformer sees the value of disturbing the peace. This type is driven to improve the world beginning with their own lives. The tend to work on themselves constantly improving what can be improved. They also seek to improve the lives of others. This can be expressed in small ways such as becoming a physical therapist and helping to reform a broken body or in large ways such as leading campaigns against laws that are unjust. The reformer is willing to defy authority, leave their home and family to fulfill their goals of reform and social improvement. Any social movement such as the Civil Rights Movement, the Women’s Rights Movement, the Temperance Movement of the 1800′s all had reformers in their ranks. The shadow side can include being an extremist, narrow or single-mindedness to the point of becoming indifferent to the consequences and stubbornness.

• Example: Jane Addams and Thomas Jefferson.

Shadow Rebel

Resistance

For the Shadow Rebel resistance is as natural as breathing. They find themselves resisting or being contrary for no reason whatsoever. This resistance is an attempt to feel control. The Shadow Rebel frequently feels completely out of control. Being contrary or putting up a fight provides relief from this feeling. They need to push against something to provide them with a framework for an identity. While it would seem the Shadow Rebel knows who they are and what they believe in, the opposite is more true. The Shadow Rebel actually doesn’t know what they want, what they believe in or who they are except in relationship to resistance. They are seeking approval of others by using resistance to appear convicted and certain of themselves.

A good example of the Rebel is the two year old testing out his or her power by saying NO! to everything, even things that they really do want. The toddler that says NO! is developing into an individual who has an opinion and personal tastes and desires and resisting authority helps the toddler figure this out.  The Shadow Rebel experiences a similar internal power struggle but instead of having greater self awareness the constant resisting can cause the Shadow Rebel to become easily confused.

The Power of the Opposite

The Shadow Rebel lacks a developed personal compass. While they would like others to believe they are self assured and confident, the opposite is truer. This type of dichotomy is seen throughout the Rebel archetype and can create a great deal of confusion for a Rebel, lost in the shadow. They feel like walking contradictions. They need approval but reject it when it is given, they want to fit in but refuse to join when they are asked, insisting on doing things on their own and then complaining of loneliness. They have convinced themselves that they have a strong set of beliefs but in reality it is a weak construct of opposites on the verge of collapse.

This contradiction is caused by a lack of self-awareness. The need to have something to push against is the only way they feel certain of anything. Being contrary becomes a way of feeling grounded but it is temporary and always requires the Shadow Rebel to be in an arguing mode. Rather than being something which carries a lot of responsibility, they would rather oppose, which is an ambiguous and vague identity always ready to be collapsed in exchange for the next opposite. Developing the self-awareness necessary for the evolution of the Rebel archetype from shadow to light requires much humility, something that the Shadow Rebel sees as a weakness.

The Boundary Problem

The Shadow Rebel likes to push boundaries. They will push individual boundaries as well as social boundaries. The Shadow Rebel can be loud and disruptive during ceremonies where quiet is expected. They like to wear clothing that shocks others, either by what is written on the clothes or by their strange colors and styles. They will say what others are only thinking. They mock, deride and generally ridicule others and situations. They don’t understand the difference between rules, (those are made to be broken) and boundaries which involve respect and values. They can’t resist proving others wrong. They don’t need to be right, they only need to prove that others wrong. The Shadow Rebel is indifferent to the impact that they have on those around them as they trample on others boundaries and violate privacy.

Destruction is part of the Shadow Rebel as they tear down, not only that which needs to be torn down, but anything that displeases them. This lack of discretion and lack of reverence is embedded into the archetypal pattern of the Rebel. But a lack of appropriate boundaries is a real problem for the Shadow Rebel. While they would like others to perceive them as “devil may care” they actually suffer from their own loss of boundaries and self protection. The Shadow Rebel can only disregard others’ boundaries if there is a severe disregard for their own. Underneath the facade is a person in deep pain and much inner conflict. A rule of thumb for understanding the Shadow Rebel is the more they destroy, make fun of, shock others etc. the more they are crying out for help.

Reactionaries

The Shadow Rebel is a classic reactionary. They tend to overreact to situations and have a reputation for being hot-tempered and easily angered. The desire for revenge can consume the Shadow Rebel if they feel sufficiently wronged. They react by making impulsive decisions that can have long lasting consequences. Restraint is not the Shadow Rebel’s strength. Making careless choices by reacting to situations can cause much trouble for the Shadow Rebel. There is a difference between a rebellious choice and a rebellious reaction and is one of the life lessons for the Rebel archetype. The Shadow Rebel is a reactor and is drawn to chaos.

The Shadow Rebel creates chaos and havoc to give them a sense of being alive. Like a daredevil, they are always pushing to see how far they can go without self-destructing. Being the bad boy/girl is a way for the Shadow Rebel to be their own person but in reality they are relying on the good boy/girl concept in order to know how to be bad. This conundrum is part of the confusion for the Shadow Rebel.  They detest conformity and yet they conform with predictable regularity, to non-conformity.  In their attempts to go against the grain they practice only what they are against and never discover what they are for. This requires the Shadow Rebel to always be comparing and judging which frequently leads to confrontations and conflicts. Judging and comparing allows the Shadow Rebel (via the power of opposites) to define what they are not and then try to fill those shoes.

This is the primary reason that the Shadow Rebel fears belonging and fitting in. They are afraid of losing the artifice of an identity that they have created through resistance. They fear losing this identity to the group or organization and then they will be truly lost to themselves. But secretly they long to be wanted, to feel like they belong and are a part of a larger family of human beings. This inner conflict of wanting two opposing values is part of the Shadow Rebel.

The Enlightened Rebel

The Inner Compass

The Enlightened Rebel has developed a strong inner self. This self is a guide for a life of integrity and personal truth that cannot be turned away from. Their personal power lies in their ability to blaze their own trail, by taking risks and by feeling free to express themselves in whatever way feels true to them. This inner compass makes great demands of the Enlightened Rebel and they have just the right amount of hutzpah and grit to live up to the demands.

The Enlightened Rebel may feel a strong call to act in a way that causes many people to feel uncomfortable and even angry but that will not stop them from acting. The men that signed their names on the document of the Declaration of Independence knew that doing so was a proclamation of treason and would be a death sentence if the cause they supported failed. This determination and personal integrity defines the Enlightened Rebel.

Justice

The Enlightened Rebel has at its core a desire for positive change through justice. They have learned that the Rebel is a big archetypal energy and requires responsibility and conscious choice making. Making choices for the Enlightened Rebel means also choosing the unseen consequences.

The Enlightened Rebel is an agent for change. They are good at bringing people out of their comfort zones and inspiring others to see how they can act to make a difference. The Enlightened Rebel is drawn to issues or situations that need reform and correction. They do not lose their tempers over injustices but they feel an urging to do something. This inner push helps them confront wrongs, speak the truth and allows them to take risks that others would shrink from.

The Enlightened Rebel does not serve a personal agenda of vengeance and does not seek power over others. This desire for justice and the fire inside of them that drives them toward healthy change, keeps them going against all odds. The Enlightened Rebel rebels out of necessity and by thoughtful and conscious choice. They accept fully the consequences of the pursuit of justice and provoking others from apathy and complacency.

Outside the Box

The Enlightened Rebel chooses to live outside the box. They are not afraid of new experiences and they are drawn to the unorthodox and unique. Living outside the box does not mean that the Enlightened Rebel does not enjoy close relationships and does not fit in with groups or get along as team player. It simply means that because they have discovered the power of choice and can decide when it is appropriate to speak up, to fight, to challenge and when it is not.

They have developed the restraint necessary to make empowered choices and to let their fire be channeled appropriately. They still enjoy challenging that status quo and conventions but do not become attached to a counter-convention. The Enlightened Rebel has the wisdom to concede when it is needed and has learned the immense power hidden in surrender.

Self Rebellion

One of the most powerful aspects of the Enlightened Rebel is the ability to challenge themselves. There is often a inner dictator that needs to be overthrown, a cruel and unjust overlord that requires a good old fashioned rebel to fight. Sometimes the Enlightened Rebel will recognize the need for a full reform of themselves.

Or the power of the Enlightened Rebel can be used to confront addictions and other compulsive behaviors. The Enlightened Rebel is always looking inward at the ways they may be stuck in complacency or apathy. They bring this quality of resistance and turn it into a force for awakening.

The Enlightened Rebel is a master at challenging their own beliefs and thoughts that are hindering them in some way. With their unique ability for unconventional behavior their solutions and creativity can be inspiring. When something is not working, the Enlightened Rebel is not one to put their head in the sand. The confront issues head on and with fiery vigor providing a clear direction for healing and transformation. Through self-rebellion the Enlightened Rebel finds their greatest power, the power to completely and radically change their own behaviors and their own lives for the better.

Predictability and the Need for Structure

Because the archetype of the Rebel is tied up in upheaval and change there is a strong need for structure and predictability, especially if you are raising a child with this archetype. This will bring a sense of security and balance to the Rebel archetype. If you feel you have this archetype and find your life in chaos that is okay, chaos is the beginning of order. Give yourself permission to plan and have a routine, even if that routine may not be followed. (You will feel compelled to break the routine periodically). Knowing what you value and what your inner compass demands from you will help you develop the discipline to practice restraint when necessary. Structure will give you the framework for exploring this archetype without feeling as though your life is being pulled into too many directions.

The Rebel energy is comparable to fire. Contained and used with caution and respect it is a powerful life changing force for good and creative endeavors. If wisely used, it can also be a tool of conscious destruction; but if you are reckless you might end up burning down the house.  Creating a routine becomes sacred space for making conscious choices and for deepening your understanding of this wild archetype.

Summary of the Rebel Archetype:

• Values: Challenging the ordinary and conventional, willing to look at hard truths. Seeks justice and reforms.
• Motto: “Rules are made to be broken.”
• Weaknesses: Lacks convictions, eager for revenge, disregards consequences and is reactionary.
• Strengths: Honest, open-minded, willing to change and stands for something.
• Needs: Structure, humility, good boundaries, acceptance for who they are.