Boundaries are not created for others, but for yourself. The boundary is for you: for your protection and self-care. In other words, boundaries do not tell others how they can and cannot treat you. They let you know what your limits and rules are for how you will behave toward yourself and others. A boundary defines where your personal power is, what you have control over and it clarifies what you cannot change or affect. A boundary is a clear communication that respects yourself and others based on your values, your personal rules and limitations.
When you feel victimized by another person you are definitely dealing with violated boundaries. Feeling helpless, angry or victimized informs you that you have reached the edge of your boundary and felt forced to disregard it. Sometimes you can’t prevent victimization with good boundaries but you can always decide how you will respond after the fact. This response helps us determine how to set a new boundary. Sometimes in our attempt to respond we put up a barrier instead of a boundary. A barrier is a wall we erect around us, when we are afraid of the consequences of communicating. Barriers cause confusion, resentment, isolation and pain. Boundaries require you to move toward the situation that makes you uncomfortable because that is precisely where a boundary needs to be drawn. Barriers cause you to move further away from the conflict. You are always responsible for the correcting the loss of boundaries. When you claim this right, no matter how unfair it feels, you will have regained enough personal integrity to restore your boundaries or create a new one. When you do not communicate your boundaries clearly, others are left to interpret your intent. This can lead to misunderstandings, misconceptions and overreactions. If you communicate a boundary and then behave differently than you have communicated, the other person will feel that your boundary has no value and that you cannot be trusted.
I have learned to discover my needs and set boundaries by following a few key ideas that I have refined into steps.
Step One: Define my values.
As a parent, one of my main and most important values is respecting my children’s right to express themselves. This is more important to me than whether or not they are respectful. So when faced with a child that is being disrespectful, my first and primary boundary is to hear what they are trying to communicate to me. I can choose to let them speak unkindly to me in favor of understanding them. But I do have limits for the level of disrespect I will allow and we will get to discussing limits in step two.
Step Two: Define my limits and thresholds.
What are my limits? What can I handle? What is my limit for tolerating something? What are my stress triggers? Knowing and defining your limits for yourself gives you an idea of what the boundary will look like when put into action. In the above example, I let my kids be disrespectful to me in favor of hearing how they really feel but I have a limit to what I will allow. I communicate this clearly to them. No swearing or name calling is one of my limits. If this boundary is disregarded the conversation ends. Instantly. I walk away not to be cajoled or bribed back into the engagement. Knowing what I can handle and tolerate from others and what I cannot helps me to how to act.
Step Three: Know my power.
To stay with the example of my kids being disrespectful, to know my power I must first realize that I cannot make my child treat me with respect. I can force them to act in certain ways if I use fear, bribery or manipulation but I cannot force true authentic respect. Knowing what I have power over helps me decide what kinds of limits I will set and why. I don’t want to be called names or have my child swear at me. The boundary is for my protection based on my limits. It has nothing to do with trying to make the child conform. Where do I have power? Does exercising that power violate my values and/or limits? When I know the answers to those questions, I can act from there.
The Quick Method
We don’t always have time to meditate on these three steps and really consider both the short and long term consequences. Sometimes we are put on the spot and we need to have a quick and dirty guide to dealing with situations on the fly. Here is my method for when I need to act fast and still have success.
Say someone asks you to do something and you notice a hesitancy or reservation about it. Ask yourself the question: What do I need? This can yield great insight into what is causing the hesitation. Once you feel clear about what you need or want you should be able to feel a YES or NO with confidence. Once you are clear the next questions is how to best communicate that answer to the other person.
Communicate clearly. That means no back doors, no ambiguity or opportunity for argument or persuasion. This is really tough for some people. It’s understandable that we want others to approve and accept our decisions but this is what causes the trouble. Don’t make excuses or offer reasons for your decision. When I need to say no to someone, an easy and effective response for me is this: That is not going to work for me. Or something similar. Find your own way of communicating that feels authentic to you that is also totally clear.
For long term effectiveness of boundaries, communicate in a way that is both honest and kind. Kindness in your response should not compromise honesty and clarity. And conversely being honest and clear doesn’t mean blunt and rude. Blunt and rude can get the job done but sometimes at the cost of a friendship or feeling good about your behavior. Be both honest and kind in your communication.
We all have different needs and unique ways of relating to others. For me, learning about boundaries and how to implement them has changed my life and my relationships for the better.
