Learning to be assertive can be a great asset to anyone. Some of us are naturally direct and straightforward in our communication. These types also tend to act first, think later but assertiveness can easily slip into aggression and domination. Learning to channel this energy into thoughtful restraint is useful for these types. But this article was not written for them. It was written for those of us “who beat around the bush,” who find satisfaction in confrontations only when they are successfully avoided, and who wait so long to act that opportunities pass us by while we passively sit on the sidelines gathering our scattered courage.
It would make sense for everyone to be assertive and yet so many of us struggle with this. For some it may be a personality feature, a reserved and thoughtful person who is more introverted will naturally be less assertive. Their introversion and reservation has its own valuable assets. But for many of us, our lack of assertiveness comes from family conditioning, social programming to fit in and be accepted as well as abuse and trauma. It can require a lot of personal work to uncover the causes of this lack and to overcome the primal instinct to avoid as a means of protection. For some, assertiveness was the very reason they were abused and traumatized. Learned helplessness is a very real problem for those who have suffered domestic violence and other kinds of social trauma. Regardless of the cause cultivating assertiveness is a valuable tool in our toolkits.
Here is what I have noticed about assertive people. They are willing to be the first one to speak. Whether they are in a group or one on one, they don’t shy away from speaking up and saying what is on their mind. They appear to get energized when someone disagrees with them and often, will display a smile of pleasure at the thought of debate. They don’t hesitate to ask for what they need, and they strongly advocate for their position and go after projects and ideas without needing much of a push. Assertive people usually have good boundaries otherwise their assertiveness spirals into aggression very quickly. Assertive people understand that the boundary is for them. All the assertive people I know seem to share some common skills.
- Initiate
- Confront
- Negotiate
- Decisive
- Good boundaries
Initiating
Initiating can be quite difficult for those of us who are a bit more reserved. Reacting is easy, and the stakes for doing it are lower. Initiating is a big responsibility, but it allows you to have more control over how the interaction goes. You get to decide the time and place of that interaction for example. You can set the tone too. It’s easier to maintain your personal power because you don’t feel like you have to defend yourself. Initiating can be a simple practice. Learn to be the first person to say hello to someone, the first to raise your hand in a class, the first say I love you or good night. Letting others do all the initiating, while it seems safer, can actually put you on the back foot.
Confront
What does it mean to confront? The word means to face. To look at something directly is to confront it. Confrontation shows a willingness to see the truth and to speak to that truth. Learning to confront means not turning away when it gets uncomfortable. Yin yoga is a great practice for this. In yin practice you learn to hold poses for a long time, poses that can get really uncomfortable. Staying with the discomfort and confronting it directly allows your body to relax and activate the parasympathetic nervous system, the part of your body that lets you know that you are going to be okay. Confronting allows you to see how strong you can be and builds confidence. It is not just mindless resistance. True confrontation is about facing something without looking away or compromising.
Negotiating
Negotiation is a skill all of us could learn better. The word has its roots in business dealings and meant bargaining or trade. To negotiate on one’s own behalf means that you are deserving of something and are willing to risk a little to get it. Ask for what you want, the worst thing that can happen is for the other person to say no, but many times they say yes instead. Advocating for yourself and your ideas is part of negotiating. This may seem bold to some, but it shows self-respect and in turn will garner respect from others. Self-advocacy is a powerful tool for taking control of your own life and accepting responsibility for yourself.
Decisive
Assertive people are decisive. Because they assert themselves, they have a sense of who they are, what their needs might be and how to initiate an interaction that can bring about an outcome that is favorable. Decisiveness in the extremes, can become impulsivity and reactivity. Decisiveness means you can trust yourself to handle the consequences regardless. Again, it’s about self-confidence in your ability to navigate the results of your decision, rather than knowing that your decision is the right one.
Boundaries
Lastly, assertive people have good boundaries. They can say no to others without apology or shame. They know how to restrain themselves and not react to provocation from others. Assertive people don’t need to make excuses for their behavior and decisions because they aren’t looking for others’ approval. Having good boundaries keeps you grounded in yourself and a true knowledge of your strengths, weakness and limitations.
Perhaps you notice that you are strong in some of these skills and lacking in others. Only extremely passive individuals or deeply traumatized people would find that they have none of these skills. Most of us fall somewhere in between. All of us can benefit from working on sharpening the skills we do have and implementing the others to become more self-advocating and develop the confidence to stand tall.
