The quest to find the place or people where we belong is as old as history. And while we often think “I’m the only one that feels this way,” we might be surprised to discover how common this feeling is, how common these refrains are, as part of our human experience.
I don’t belong, I don’t fit in.
I am the odd one and I am a loner.
I am the outsider, the misfit, the intruder.
Why is this such a common experience? Why don’t we automatically feel like we belong?
Belonging is a basic need for human beings. We start out life belonging to a mother and father, whether we like them or not, and then perhaps we belong to a larger family. We grow up and find belonging in our school friends, clubs, parties, etc. You can find belonging with strangers through personality groups, social media groups, sports fans and so forth. You can belong to your job, your race, your local community, and even in an attempt to not belong, we become an outsider and then belong to the outsiders. It is a need and strong motivator. But all of these experiences don’t provide a lasting sense of belonging. At any time we can be discarded, unwanted and pushed out. This fear is real and part of our biology. We need each other.
So how do you belong to yourself?
Think of yourself as a sun, emitting powerful rays of warmth and light. You don’t know you are a sun. You can only observe this light and warmth that appears outside of you that must be coming from somewhere and you are drawn to it. But no matter how much you try to reach it, or discover its source, it evades your grasp. You don’t realize that you are the sun. The light is not out there, but within. You are, already, the source of your own belonging. You can never NOT belong. The sun seeking the source of its own light will never find it but can only experience it.
So how do you experience it? What does that even mean? I could throw out some big words like self-acceptance and self-love, but these aren’t truly helpful even if they are accurate.
For me, it means to open myself up to feel the true experience of me. It means to allow myself to be and then notice what that allowance reveals.
Let yourself experience YOU. Without any judgment, expectations, fears and stories about who you are. Step into the reality of your own being and experience that. Others have spoken of this experience during meditation, prayer, yoga, silence, and sometimes in unexpected moments of tragedy and loss. You belong to you. Allow yourself entrance into the home of your heart.
All of that can sound pretty fantastical and wonderful. What’s the catch? Belonging to yourself also means taking FULL responsibility for yourself. Complete ownership of you. Your thoughts, your feelings, your actions, your inactions; all of it is on you. This is a challenge for many. This is why we wander through life seeking a place at someone else fire. We fear the weight of personal responsibility of belonging to ourselves. But that is a small price to pay for the rich rewards of self-belonging. You can become a source of belonging for others who are seeking refuge on their own journey of self-discovery. And that act of embracing others, creating a space of listening and unconditional acceptance of others is the truest expression of our self-belonging.
Once you experience this joy, this sharing of your light you will know the fullness of belonging to yourself. You can practice it daily. Being the source of belonging for others means that you can never not belong, you are the sun that draws others to its light. You cannot be abandoned by the light of your own sun. You become the invitation for others to be warmed and comforted in your belonging as well as inspired to continue to open themselves up to their own source of light, to see that they are their own sun. This exchange allows us to experience true belonging both as the one offering acceptance and the one receiving it. To belong to yourself IS to belong to the whole of humanity.
Belonging to Yourself
