We are all a little uncomfortable with self-examination. What we find can be shocking and overwhelming. So here are the tools I use when I have laid my soul under the microscope.
Tell the Truth
I think it is so easy for we humans to lie to ourselves or to cover up the truth at least. And when we want to do some inner work separating fact from fiction can be a difficulty. But the truth always feels a certain way when we hear it. There is no denying it. Truth feels clean and soothing. Even painful truths have a clarifying effect that provides a type of relief. How do I know when I am lying to myself? I have to prove it. Excuse it. Explain it and defend it. The truth stands on its own. It needs no defense. It just is. Sometimes when I hit on a truth I will feel a huge welling of emotion. This is another signal that I have touched the truth. It burns. But it clears the debris and deadwood and allows for new growth.
Don’t Judge
Judging is an important part of our daily interactions with others and with life itself. We have to discern and make decisions every day. This requires the practice of judgment. But when we tell the truth and uncover the authentic experience of our soul, we must allow it to breathe. Judging it too quickly will prevent you from seeing it’s value and worth. Judgment can be a form of escape. A quick passing of the sentence and then you can move on. But a wise judge will want to see all the evidence and hear all the testimony. A wise judge doesn’t judge until he or she has all the facts and understands all of the nuances of the circumstances.
Seek to Understand
Here is where the process of self-examination gets difficult. Seek to understand yourself. Why did you do/say/feel what you did? Can you get beyond the simple excuse or explanation? Seek to understand deeply and truly your own motivations, fears, insecurities and desires. Often for me, this means seeking to understand someone else that I have judged too quickly. Once I understand another, I can more easily apply the method to myself. When you understand truly the deeper modes of thinking and operating that caused you to believe or behave in a certain way you will have that epiphany that marks the beginning of true change.
Challenge your Assumptions
I used to be one of those people that were quick to have an answer. I was always the first one to raise my hand in a classroom setting and I was formulating my retort while others were sharing their opinions. When I was examining myself, I still had the quick and ready answer. I wanted to put a Band-Aid on the problem, to have the drive-thru solution. I have learned through painful experience to let go of my preconceived notions and certainties. When I feel the urge to say something I hold back a little and let my mind open up. I have learned to challenge my assumptions, to question what I think I know with the most powerful words I have discovered when doing inner work. I DON’T KNOW. For a know-it-all like me, this humbling admission is an opening to possibility. The answers to my problems are waiting to be discovered, even created when I don’t have the ready-made answer.
Play Devil’s Advocate
Sometimes the situation I am working on is so uncomfortable that I can’t break through my feelings of justification or victimization. When I get stuck in this way I play devil’s advocate. I imagine holding the opposing position and proving it as truer than my feelings etc. In order to do this, I have to be in a really open and curious space otherwise I may slip into self-abuse and further my own suffering and misery. But I have found it to be very helpful. What if I was wrong? Can I imagine myself as the perpetrator? Can I envision my rock solid case falling apart? What is left after it is done? Nothing but the facts. This process allows me to separate everything from the pure facts. The facts don’t lie and they are solid ground to stand on. Once you try on both sides of the argument you can let all of the extraneous stuff fall away.
Honor What is There
When you discover something about yourself, something true and real, no matter what it may be, take a moment to honor it. Honor the experiences that brought you here, the crafty mechanisms you developed to survive, the stories that kept you afloat when you were nearly drowning and the denial that saved you from self destruction until you were strong enough to endure the power of truth. Honor what you find. Respect the journey that brought you here. Take time to remember it. Self-examination is not about fixing or solving. It is about looking and seeing. It is learning not to wince in the bright light of your own awareness.
The Transformative Power of Awareness
Sometimes awareness is all you need. When you see something for what it truly is you can respond to it anew. The old patterns of behavior change instantly. I had an experience once when I was in a grocery store and I heard a mother yelling at her child. I immediately found myself judging her. I couldn’t see what was happening but I could hear her yelling the child’s name and telling her to get up. When I rounded the corner I saw that the child had fallen out of the shopping cart, which was lying askew in the middle of the aisle. The little girl had momentarily passed out on the floor. Her mother was frantically yelling for her to get up. She was obviously panicked and didn’t know what to do. Thankfully there was a nurse who came to her rescue and the child was totally okay. The mother’s yelling was not bad parenting. But if I hadn’t seen the truth, if I hadn’t had the awareness of all of the facts, I would have left that day, feeling self righteous and full of judgment. Instead I was humbled. Awareness changed the way I responded to the woman. I went from irritated and sanctimonious to concern and compassion in a split second. Awareness is like that. When you examine yourself and see the WHOLE truth you will be humbled. Your judgment could transform into concern and compassion. And you might be changed forever.
