Vulnerability, we hear this word a lot these days. Vulnerability has become the new catch phrase for all things relationship. Brene Brown and her work on shame has made the topic of vulnerability mainstream and more acceptable. Vulnerability has many important uses in interrelating with others. But before you go tearing off your armor and exposing yourself to danger let’s go a bit deeper.
What is Vulnerability?
Etymologically speaking it comes from the Latin vulnerare “to wound, hurt, injure, maim.” That sounds pretty undesirable. The dictionary definition isn’t much better. According to Merriam Webster it means “easily hurt or harmed physically, mentally, or emotionally; open to attack, harm, or damage.” But that’s not strictly what is meant when we talk about vulnerability. It usually refers to someone willing to show weakness or flaws. This does open them to attack and can make them easy to hurt. Therein lies its great strength. Being willing to reveal the “chinks in your armor” so to speak, you are showing the other person great trust by taking that kind of risk. To do so requires courage. Allowing others to see your flaws and weaknesses gives them the opportunity to exploit you, humiliate you, and hurt you in myriad ways. It can also give them the opportunity to connect, to have compassion and understanding, to feel less alone, to inspire and be validated by another person’s human experience. It still seems awful risky to me. I think it is too easy for people to ask for vulnerability of themselves and others without considering the consequences.
Pitfalls of Vulnerability
So other than the obvious, what are the pitfalls of vulnerability?
Overexposure: I met a woman once, the new love interest of a good friend. My husband and I wanted to meet her over dinner. Within five minutes of meeting us, she was sharing all the gory details of her childhood abuses and subsequent hospitalizations. She was weeping and asking for more wine while her voice grew louder and the other folks in the establishment grew uncomfortable. This kind of oversharing and overexposure is disconnecting and pushes people away. It feels as if the other person is forcing you to look at something you haven’t agreed to look at. It is inappropriate and shows a lack of boundaries. The choice to be vulnerable should be carefully considered and who you share these emotional difficulties with should also be carefully considered.
Victimization: Living life covered in protective armor to avoid feeling weak and appearing pathetic is a lonely life indeed. But the reverse, letting it all hang out can be reinforcing your own victimization. “Look what happened to me, isn’t it so awful?” This kind of victimization is the opposite of what vulnerability is meant to be. It celebrates the flaws. It reshapes the weaknesses into “that’s just me,” statements. The point of exposing vulnerability is the opportunity to gain the awareness necessary for self-improvement, not to keep you in a state of victimization.
Making Excuses: Exposing your flaws and weaknesses is not the same as making excuses and choosing to avoid responsibility for your actions. “I’m being vulnerable right now,” can be used to justify all kinds of behavior, making others feel as though they must tolerate it else, they come off as unkind or mean. Another slightly different example: “Sorry I’m such a jerk, it’s a coping mechanism from being bullied in school.” A statement like that is not vulnerability, it’s another form of armoring. It is an excuse for bad behavior.
What it Means to Me
Vulnerability has two sides. The first is the experience of the person exposing their flaws. The second is the person who it is exposed to. You may find yourself in one or the other position from time to time. To be vulnerable, means to risk letting the other person know, see or recognize you as you are, raw and real. It feels terrifying and often shameful. This requires both courage and trust. You must have at least a trusting relationship with the person with whom you are sharing and you must trust yourself to handle the situation regardless of how it is treated.
To be on the other side of that, to allow vulnerability for another, is to witness and hold space and even share, that person’s full experience of themselves. It also means to honor and accept the truth of their experience and respect the tenderness of that revelation. Vulnerability is the invitation to come inside another person’s experience. Just as if you were invited into someone’s home, you are invited into their experience. They don’t need judgment, or someone telling them what is wrong with them or how to fix it. It is a sacred act of trust. But that doesn’t mean you have to walk on eggshells or treat them as if they’re made of glass. That would be keeping that person victimized. Instead, it asks for you to be compassionate, curious and open and trust that the truth can stand on its own without you supporting it.
How is it Useful?
Vulnerability is a tool. It is used to deepen the bonds of relationship, to gain awareness of the deep parts of ourselves we hide from and train ourselves in the skills of empathy and compassion. It can help us see the truth in ourselves and others. Training yourself to exercise vulnerability in ways that can accomplish the above, will radically change your life.
