If you are in a relationship of any kind, you have probably been hurt and betrayed. It is quite impossible to be in relationship with another person without experiencing pain. Our instinct when we get hurt is to withdraw and pull away, even isolate ourselves. This causes us to distrust the relationship and expect the other person to prove themselves worthy of our trust again. But waiting for the other person to apologize and change their behavior will never build trust. In fact, it causes more distrust and weakens the relationship. But when you have been hurt and betrayed how do you learn to trust again? What will it take to rebuild the trust that has been destroyed?
What is trust? To put it simply, trust is the confidence you have in the reliability of the relationship and the behaviors of the parties involved. Trust is the unspoken agreement that makes all relationships work. The degree of trust determines the degree of safety and openness that can be experienced in a relationship. Obviously, trust is the gold standard of a functional, connected relationship of any kind.
Trust is damaged when the reliability of the relationship broken, and the tensile strength of the relationship is tested and fails. The tensile strength refers to the rebound capacity of a relationship. And every relationship is different. It is important to determine how flexible your relationship is, how much rebound capacity it has, to handle stress and damage before breaking. But all relationships need to trust to be healthy and functional. The goal isn’t to try to become so resilient and armored that nothing hurts or impacts you. The goal is to recover quickly from hurts and learn how to behave in ways that develop self trust.
If you are in a relationship, it’s good to prepare for the hurt and disappointment that is part and parcel of human interactions. It is necessary to acknowledge that hurt and disappointment are as much a part of human interaction as love and connection. We are human beings, and we will hurt our loved ones even when we are actively trying not to do that. We betray each other in both small and sometimes large ways. The key to navigating these inevitable betrayals, is to build up your own reliability within the relationship. But it can be tough for trust to form at all if there are negative patterns in the relationship. For example, if your partner:
- often makes hurtful comments
- acts annoyed and frustrated with you all the time
- hides things and behaves secretively
- won’t talk, withdraws, or uses the silent treatment
- Teases you, or makes you feel small and unimportant
A key question to ask yourself is this: Can I trust myself to handle this? Self-trust is the foundation to learning to trust others. The more both parties can trust themselves to handle the inevitable pain and betrayals the stronger the relationship will be, even if there are some serious trust breaches. You will only be able to trust another person to exactly the degree that you can trust yourself to handle their flaws and weaknesses. Building up your own ability to trust yourself to handle life as it happens to you, will build up the strength of the relationship. That doesn’t mean you accept bad behavior. It only means that you are able to handle the behavior responsibly and without overreacting. Handling it, doesn’t mean being tough and pretending it doesn’t hurt. Handling it means being able to communicate your feelings and needs to your partner in a way that doesn’t cast blame or create victimization.
Most of us come into relationships already distrustful. We have been previously hurt, sometimes deeply wounded, and find trusting others to be challenging and even undesirable. Or perhaps you have been the person that has wounded or damaged a relationship. Below are some examples of behaviors that damage and destroy trust.
- Abandonment
- Deception and Lies
- Cheating
- Keeping Secrets
- Physical Abuse
- Verbal and Emotional Abuse
- Hypocrisy
- Blaming Others
- Making Promises and Not Keeping Them
- Trash Talking Behind Your Partner’s Back
If you have been hurt like this before, why would you want to learn to trust? It might happen again. Isn’t it better to stay emotionally distanced and be more careful with who you trust? Of course, you want to be wise in your selection of friends and partners but to live in a bubble of protection where no one really knows you or can connect deeply with you, that is no real life. Allowing yourself to trust others is an opportunity to practice trusting yourself to handle the situation.
Here are a few tips for doing so.
- Be honest and forthright about your feelings and needs without blame
- Ask for something without any expectations at all. (This is harder than it sounds)
- Notice disappointments and taking responsibility for them without blame
- Take your partner at face value and holding them accountable for it
- Don’t search for ulterior motives and hidden agendas
- Be as transparent and honest as you can about your intentions
- Preface conversations with how you are feeling
- Take care of your own emotional wounds so that you don’t project onto your partner
Even though it can be really scary, learning to trust others again is an important part of cultivating a rich and rewarding life.
