What is loneliness? You can feel lonely even when you are not alone. You can feel lonely in the company of friends and family. You can feel lonely in any situation because loneliness is more complicated than just aloneness. Here are a few types of loneliness that I have observed.
- Unknown
There is the loneliness of being unknown. You might experience this on a busy subway in a strange city. You are surrounded by people and activity but can feel an acute loneliness from not feeling known. You aren’t seen as an individual but as a nameless, faceless body. I experienced this a few years ago on a trip to Las Vegas. The noise and bustling streets of downtown Vegas on a warm spring night was thrilling in its own way but I was keenly aware of my insignificance as I pushed through the throngs of people to get to my hotel room. I was just another body fighting for a few feet of space on the sidewalk. It was uniquely lonely experience.
- Misunderstood/Unseen
This is one of the most painful kinds of loneliness I believe human beings can experience. I think it is commonly felt around the holidays when families gather together, and that proximity can reveal how disconnected and unrecognized we may feel in the presence of people who, we think, should know us the best. You could be married to someone for many years and feel utterly unseen, unvalued and unrecognized. You can be among a group of friends who think they know you but down deep you feel that they have difficulty understanding you or relating to your view of the world and how you process life. It can feel like alienation. This is a deep loneliness that can turn into depression and even suicidal ideation. We are wired for connection. We depend on our relationships with one another to fulfill certain emotional needs. When those needs are not met the results can be devastating.
- Aloneness and Isolation
Aloneness is not the same as loneliness but sometimes aloneness can cause feelings of loneliness, for the sheer lack of human companionship and connection. Isolation can feel like a retreat from the obligations and pressures of human interaction, but it can cause deep feelings of loneliness when that isolation is not by choice. Forced isolation is to sever your ability to create connection and belonging. Many of us need “alone time” and it is a refuge from the demands of day to day life. But too much solitude and our psyche slips into a downward spiral. This is different for each person. Some of us need a lot of alone time before we are ready for interactions and connections and others don’t need much at all. It is very individual. But when outside forces deprive of us our ability to connect, we become more aware our need for each other.
- Going it Alone
There is also a kind of loneliness that comes from feeling alone in our endeavors. Maybe you have started a foundation to help abandoned pets, or to create recycling opportunities, or caring for the elderly and everyone you talk to seems uninterested in what you feel so strongly about. You cannot get others to act in concert with you. This creates a whole different kind of loneliness. This kind of loneliness can feel heavy, like you are carrying a huge burden and no one else sees this burden.
The antidote to loneliness is belonging. Belonging is fundamental to our survival and our basic emotional needs. Right after our survival needs are met, food, shelter, water and safety are the list of emotional needs. Belonging is pretty high up there on the hierarchal ladder. We need one another, at a pretty basic level too. Our earliest ancestors lived in tribes, unable to survive alone. For thousands of years, belonging was as necessary as any other survival need. In our modern society though, we can survive without belonging. In ancient times, if a person was separated from their tribal group it meant almost certain death. You would likely have done whatever it took to be allowed back into the safety of the tribe. But without absolute survival on the line, being expelled or disconnected from the family/group/community gives one a great opportunity: to discover who you are without relying on the identity of the group. While this rejection and/or loss is painful it is also an initiation into more fully realized human being. An individual. The gift hidden in loneliness is the opportunity to develop self-awareness, to look inward and discover your own internal compass. Loneliness can make you strong, self-reliant and confident.
When a child leaves home both parents and child often go through a period of loneliness. This is necessary. This absence helps cultivate independence in the child and initiates the parent into a new phase of life. It fosters appreciation for the relationship or if the relationship is troubled it can be an opportunity to begin repairing it. Loneliness is meant to be a transitory state, a place of discovery and inner development, not a permanent status.
Community is vital to functioning societies and creates purpose and meaning for every person. To feel needed and useful is the most powerful guard against loneliness. All great communities are made up of strong individuals. Each individual has experienced the soul-searing pain of loneliness and this strengthens and bonds them to one another.
How then, do we find belonging and community once it’s been lost?
Below are a few ways to rebuild and reconnect.
- Reconnect with family and friends.
This may seem obvious but for many people there is a lot of wounds with family members and friends. These wounds, both given and received, prevent us from staying meaningfully connected to those closest to us. Be willing to start the healing process, with even one family member. This endeavor will provide a purpose and the seeds of bonding.
- Discover like-minded individuals.
This may seem like monumental task but if you take a strategic approach and you don’t give up easily you can find others who are similar and with whom you could share yourself. There are many resources on the internet to guide you toward something that resonates. Facebook groups and other online groups are a great place to start and are free of charge. You can find virtual choirs, book clubs, writing groups, and so much more. Many enriching friendships have had their beginnings online.
- Create a space of belonging for others:
Start your own club: A wine club, food club, book club, movie club and so on. Be creative and reach out to neighbors and use online resources to connect with others who might want to join. Even if it is small, it can add a great deal of meaning to share with others.
- Teach a class
You can do this out of your home, or create an online course, something that you know how to do that might be specialized knowledge, such as bonsai and plant care, gardening, canning, woodworking, baking, sewing, quilting. Whatever you know how to do well you can share with others.
- Volunteer
One of the many benefits of volunteering is the feeling of being needed. Knowing that others rely on you is a real motivator. Sometimes volunteering reveals how much you need others and can promote kindness and appreciation.
Some ideas for volunteers include:
National Parks
Animal and Wildlife Rescue
The Red Cross
Local Libraries
Art Museums
Youth Programs
- Take on responsibility
Work can be deeply meaningful especially work that is chosen and not just required to survive. Start a project that matters to you. Even if it is too big and too costly to imagine, just begin. If there is any responsibility you can take on, take it, such as fostering children or pets. Clean up your neighborhood of trash, be the one that shovels the sidewalks in your neighborhood in the winter, walk someone’s dog that works long hours, babysit for your cousin, there are countless ways to take on more responsibility.
- Learn a new skill
You are never too old to learn something new. Learn to play an instrument, become a gardener, study physics, computer coding, knitting, whatever inspires and excites you. The internet is an incredible resource of learning and many opportunities abound to learn new skills. Many universities offer a wide variety of inexpensive classes (nonaccredited) to the public. The sky is the limit. This new skill can give you a sense of purpose and focus. Learning new skills often puts you in proximity to others.
Loneliness is a part of being human, but it is does not have to be a life sentence. We can use the experience of loneliness to develop into more self-actualized, strong individuals. We can bring that newly developed self, back into the community of the world, to contribute our service and to help us become more loving, wise and connected human beings. It can teach us to become resources of belonging for those of us still lost and lonely.
