I’ve been there in the dark.

There was a time when I had developed close relationships with depression, addiction, negative self-talk, poor body image, loss, rage, disconnection, hopelessness and despair. I was at war with myself and the more I fought the more there was war, conflict and destruction. For years I struggled to get up in the morning, the darkness crowding around me like a shroud. I was so disconnected from my body that I couldn’t tell if I was hungry or full and I packed on extra pounds and added the self loathing that often goes with it. I felt utterly stuck in my relationships and had no idea how to be a loving parent to my kids or how to be a partner, a sister or a friend.

I was constantly distracting myself with addictive behaviors, eating, shopping, gaming, TV. I didn’t know how to deal with the past, the emotional scars and the perpetual wounding from the painful relationships in my life. I suffered bouts of PTSD from childhood abuse and trauma, both physical and psychological. I didn’t have any idea how to confront the truth or be authentic. I reacted instead of responding because I was in a perpetual state of panic and survival. In short, I didn’t know the landscape, the environment and ecosystem that was ME. I felt like a stranger in a strange land.

I was completely unaware of the many parts of myself, the wise woman, the conniver, the liberator, the victim, the wounded child, the critic, the wanderer, the homeless, the deceiver, the defender, the manipulator, the innocent and many more. Some of those parts I embraced and others I completely rejected. Through years of study, experimentation and just plain living I learned to accept all my parts, to identify and understand their unique contribution to the overall balance of my inner ecosystem.

It was like I had created a detailed field guide for my life.  An internal map of my life and its unique needs. I carved the special tools I needed to navigate my relationships and situations. What I gained was a home for my soul. I have found peace even during turmoil or upset. I learned to practice forgiveness and accountability. I manage the environment in an effort to be congruent with my nature. Sometimes people will ask me, “how did you do it?” My only answer is this: I didn’t do anything. I only came to truly know myself and the “doing” happened on its own.

• You already have the answers within you.
• There are many paths that lead to home.
• Your way is the way.
• You are the hero of your own life.