As human beings we are great at seeing our weakness, our negative habits and all the ways in which we fail. But we could use more practice paying attention to what we are skilled at doing. But then we can take it to the next level and deconstruct our own strengths and understand them more deeply. How do we do what we do?
Example: You are great at listening.
What does it mean to listen?
What is it exactly that you are doing when you are listening? Can you define it?
Where did you learn to listen and why do you value it?
What other value does it match in your personal beliefs?
How can this knowledge help you improve your listening skills or do it with more purpose and intention?
Negative traits and flaws are easy. We know right where we suck. We can define why we suck at it and even things we could do to improve. But we don’t have nearly so much clarity around what we do right and well.
“I don’t want to become conceited, or self-important.” That is a common response I get from people when I ask about their strengths and ask them to delve into them more deeply. Another response I hear is: “I am afraid if I look at my strengths, I will have a blind spot to my weaknesses.” This is totally understandable because it was once necessary for our survival to pay attention to what didn’t work. We are wired toward the negative as a protection. It likely saved our species. But we aren’t barely surviving primates anymore. That allows us more freedom and exploration into our natures. Learning to examine your strengths with a measure of objectivity can be useful in improving ourselves. Most people can barely tell you one or two things that really matter to them and where they have skilled or natural talent. Try this exercise.
In a hierarchy of values, my top, most important value is. . .
In what ways do I embody this value. . .give a few meaningful examples.
I am really good at. . .
People tell me that I . . .
If I weren’t around what would be missing in the world, in my family, etc.? (Think of the movie It’s a Wonderful Life.)
Contributions I hope I have made so far to the people in my life, ie coworkers, friends, passing acquaintances as well as family.
My best quality as a person
Why you should or shouldn’t invite me to a party
What job am I best suited to do, (regardless of pay)
And then apply these questions to each quality you have.
What does it mean to (fill in the blank with your quality)?
What is it exactly that you are doing? Can you define it?
Where did you learn it?
What value does it match in your personal beliefs?
How can this knowledge help you improve on it or do it with more purpose and intention?
If you’re a real stickler for the negative, then use this list to get at your good qualities through an inverted model.
I am judgmental about. . .
I hate it when people. . .
My pet peeves are. . .
What disgusts us, frustrates us, annoys and so on, are usually traits we don’t struggle with.
For example:
“I am judgmental about sloppiness.” If this is you, you are probably a neat and tidy person.
“I hate it when people are loud and obnoxious.” You are likely a reserved and thoughtful person.
Here are a few more approaches to this process.
Make a list of your top ten values.
Describe how you embody each one of them.
Example:
My top value is freedom.
I am not a pushy, demanding person with high expectations of others. My love of freedom makes me flexible, curious, and open minded.
Take your worst traits.
Find the best or light expression of that trait.
Example:
My worst trait: selfish.
Light expression of selfishness is greater self-awareness and self-care. Because selfishness is a focus on the self, the trait can be refined to make me more self-aware and take good care of myself.
I hope you have fun discovering more about your strengths and how you can build upon them using some of these ideas.
